Post by jestyrseryous on Apr 7, 2024 20:04:38 GMT -5
Saturday Afternoon in F’N APRIL or as many here in the USofA begrudgingly refer to as NOT F’N FOOTBALL SEASON, is pretty much the absolute
! There aint ever shit on TV! I mean yeah yall could go outside, do something with your spawn, go to brunch, but instead of getting off your asses and going to do something productive, perhaps even fun (yall remember that shit?), or at worst something that is a far better misuse of your freetime you’ll never get back ever, you foolishly and completely void of reason opt to tough it out on your couch hoping your brain poisoning box otherwise known as your television has the cure to your insufferable boredom!
But please, where are our manners? You must think us terribly RuDe for keeping you from enjoying the well deserved ripe fruits of your
…But you do, so you’re just STuPiD! Ohh and while that goes out to pretty much all of you, Justin York we mean it more towards you, because well we find you to be
But more on that shit in jus a BiT! Cause yall was finna kick back and enjoy your Saturday Afternoon watching that utter blasphemous public defiling of the human race otherwise known as
You grab your remote and switch it on. You read the name of the streaming network as you don’t really recognize the logo or even know you’ve ever heard of a streaming service called
Your general lack of options and imagination compel you to click the only thing your TV or remote will allow. It bringz you to an even brighter orange screen with a black mission statement type thing…And it ReaDZ:
Over the years almost every major filming studio in the country has churned out countless of our favorite binge worthy shows, movies, and documentaries. However they can’t all be good! So there are a few things a year that get greenlit, funded, and filmed and it winds up testing so poorly we can’t air it nor can we get any major business to endorse it.
So you may be wondering, why not just destroy it? And well since we live in a day and age where most of you actually spend time watching toddlers unwrap and eat various kinds of gummy snacks, or watching other people do nothing but play video games while also providing (JBL GAWD AWFUL) commentary which stands to reason some of you may enjoy this shit!
Don’t forget to register, login, log back out, log back in, send your resume, and give us your last three known email addresses to set up your account and start earning today! ENJOY and welcome to the BARGAIN BIN!
Uhhhh, what the FECK just happened? Well yall read the shit, yall go take care of the account set up shit, we’ll wait!
K, so like everybody good? CLOSE ENOUGH? GREAT! Sorry about all that, wait HA no we’re not! We kinda did it all on purpose! But as you scroll down and see a long list of soccer games going on in countries you’ve never heard of, a live streaming show about people who watch other people play video games, a cartoon that looks like it don’t know if it wanna be Mickey’s Club House or Loony Toonz! And then finally before you were about to throw your remote and consider suicide or a long and probably sweaty nap you see something that catches your eye…
Being the dedicated and passionate wrestling fan you are, how do you not click on it? But it doesn’t take long after you click on it to discover it aint exactly what you thought…We mean it is…But at the same time meh not so much…KNOW what?...Yall just watch for yourselves!
We see the little icon showing the stream is buffering and adjusting to the settings on ur television. Then after a few moments the black screen blips and then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the last episode.
We are at some kinda plush, trendy, and very full night club. Wait a second this place looks rather familiar. We see a few of the utterly gorgeous bartenders and then our view shoots to a sign above the bar and we notice we are presently rubbing elbows with the F’N FANCY FOLKS as we all fight the urge to not get down to all the
Music playing in the background as we watch one of their infamous STARTENDERS mix up and pour two pink liquids into two martini glasses (COSMOZ)!...The bartender adds the twist of lemon and the lime that comes with every cosmo sold here at the VeLVeT RaBBIT. The waitress stabs the ticket, rolls her eyes as she calls out to the STARTENDER…
Waitress: Eh, you made sure you made these right? These ladies are FUCKING CUNTS! They bitched about the tables behind them having more napkins than theirs did!
The Startender gives the waitress a thumbs up. Then our girl has to maneuver her way in and out of almost four large groups of very drunk people violently swinging and thrashing to this crap ass techno music.
They sit in the middle booth in a row of 5 booths against a wall. Once the waitress finally makes it over your jaw nearly hits the floor when you discover the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF EPW are actually those two dead battery dildos Alexander Davenport and Justin York.
OHHH WAIT HoL Up YALL!!!
OK so like it’s not actually them! We hired actors and shit! SO it’s ok yall can jerk that knot out of your panties and we can continue! SO yeah anyGoTDayUMWAY…May we proudly introduce to you the not very lovely REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ELEVATE PRO WRESTLING, the one in the WALMART slut black dress that looks like Justin Bieber’s
The other one who at least had the got damn decency to buy her slut suit from the Carrie Bradshaw collection found at your nearest TARGET, and given the strange assortment of pastel colors this one came with we can’t tell if she looks like the Easter Bunny’s
…Its prolly best we leave that one to the PHiLoSiPHiZeRZ YALL, we are as always on the got damn clock here!
Anyhoo this here tall drink of PoRTaPoTTy PiSS is known around the FRAT HoU$eS as
SO anyway now that we are all properly acquainted and shit the waitress’s safari through the human wilderness has ended as she stops and composes herself. The two ladies were in the middle of another one of their brilliant scholarly conversations that shows like these are known for. But the moment the waitress withdraws her hand from the stem of the second drink, JuiceTayNE’s one EYEBROW raises almost to the middle of her forehead, as she makes this real bitchy passive eye roll, as the small waitress of course notices. The people outside that cant see this bitch saw that shit!
Ladies can I get you anything else?
JuiCeTayNe YORKIE: Well um I mean, you could at least bring us what we ordered. We’ve been sitting here for like 13 minutes and it took you forever to get here. I mean what the hell are these abominations you put in front of us?
Cosmos?...You ladies ordered cosmos didn’t you?
ALeXaNDRa EFFedateryport: Um excuse me miss? Like how hard is your job really? Yes we ordered cosmos, but listen OK. I remember saying I wanted a half salt and half sugar rim, and xtra strawberry, two little straws and one big one, and a splash of sprite and orange juice! And my friend here wanted hers on the ROCKS, GAHHHHHHHH!
I mean it’s not ROCKET SURGERY! .
Ladies I am so, so sorry! I must have not heard you say that, but I’ll tell you what, yall go ahead and keep those and I’ll have the Startender whip you up some fresh ones right away! I’m so sorry!
Look whatever, just make sure you get it right this time aight? Cause if this happens again I don’t think your pimp will be happy to find out that you insulted his YOUTUBE FAMOUS clientele! Cause I don’t even wanna hear that boolshit talkin bout you don’t know who we are!
Sorry I work a lot I don’t get to watch as much YOUTUBE as I used to?
This bitch! Well we are the wifehusbands of the two most powerful people in ELEVATE PRO WRESTLING SWEETHEART!
Which should tell ya two things off top snow flake! Number ONE, we almost ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT! AND NUMBER 2. WE AINT ABOVE SLAPPIN A BITCH MmMmMKay?
And please don’t tell anyone we are just here trying to enjoy ourselves! The last time we had a dumber waitress than you and we wound up having to take like eleven selfies with people it was GROSS!
SO GROSS! Ohhhh girl you hear that?...That’s MY SONG!
Plays over the loud speakers…Only its some even worse modern tecno version of it..Wait no it’s the special Pitbull remix…Which is what makes it Ms. YoRKiE’s favorite song! HAHAHAHA sorry!...NoT SoRRy!!!
The two hags shimmy out of those booths like Payless was having a garage sale and start doing what most drunk white girls would insist is dancing even though it looks almost like a demon is trying to get out of their body without an exorcist! The poor waitress is trying her best to not burst into laughter as she looks at the ladies who are paying her no nevermind as she thinks to herself…”Youtube famous my born again virgin vagina I feel bad for whoever their husbands are!
…Don’t
Yall wanna see where they were?
We are in the private office suite of the owner of this fine GENTLEMEN’s CLUB owned and operated by the TiN$LeToWN TRoUBLE MaKeR HIMSELF! There is a large black poker table set up in the middle of the room. On one half of the table we see Je$TyR SeRyOuS with his purple neck tie tied around his head keeping the ACE of Spades firmly pressed to his forehead. To his left is the estranged brother of EPW owner, the one ball and chained to Eff’dneryport Joel Traylor! And even though it looks like his suit was bought from GoodWIll you have to show respect because well none of the clown’s fuggin
So ya know WHATEV 2 EACH THEIR OWN! ANd on Jestyr’s right is the owner and operator of one of the hottest up and coming wrestling promotions in the world today BoB TRAYLOR! His clothes we can’t make fun of because if you make fun of ARMANI then you have less class then those two cunts back at the Rabbit making sure everyone knows who let the F’N DOGS OUT!
Good ole BoB and Jestyr seem to be having a grand ole time playing what appears to be some weird version of Captain Dickhead and Strip Poker, as the camera pans and we see across the table four of the most beautiful adult film stars to ever play the game, who have all seemed to have lost their clothes on the orders of their CAPTAIN! Joel on the other hand looks like he had one too many Twisted Teas, Until Jestyr nods at the biggest tittes in the room that of course belong to the one and only Ava Adams. She reaches into the center of the table and pulls out a little baggie filled to the top with a sparkling white powder. Here on Bourbon Street we call it
Poor Joel who looks like he just wants the room to stop spinning. Ava gets closer as Jestyr then swiftly kicks Joel’s chair, waking him up. As he shoots up we watch her shade go from mayo white to John Cena green in about three seconds flat!
EH! Hey BoB what’d you tell me your little sister’s name was over here I fuggin forgot?
Bob goes to answer but instead erupts in laughter as does everyone else around the table. Joel utters something that sounds like shut up, which only causes more laughter…
EH, JOEL-E, look like you need a second wind, cause like it’s only 1:45 am, and well it’s gunna get late before it gets early, and trust me you DO NOT wanna pass out around these ladies! K? Not a great idea!
Joel Traylor: But…But I think I’m dying!
RUBBISH! Look take that straw out your cup put it in your nose and give Ms. Adams BooBiEZ a TooT! It’ll perk you right up in no time at all!
NO! I’LL GET ADDICTED!
The girls all giggle as Jestyr and Bob exchange looks. Jestyr smirks as his eyes light up as he rebuttals…
ADDICTED? You are one crazy CRACKER if I’ve ever seen one! Look its on her boobs…If you snort something off a persons body parts it makes it scientifically impossible for you to get addicted! ANd hey…I would NEVER EVER LIE about shit like this! So either take a lil toot, then BiBBiTy, BoBBiTY, MoTHER F’N BOOOO you are back in the game…Or you can ride this thing out and suffer the miserable pains of alcohol poisoning that comes with the worst hangover ever in the morning, but your call!
Nu-uh that’s not true…IS it BOB?
Jestyr turns his head and uses his thumb to point at the BOSS BoB TRAYLOR, who nods her head in agreement, as Jestyr grabs a bottle of 151 and pours a shot. Taking the glass he drops it in Bob’s Guinness as they fist bump, as we see Joel having some issues putting the straw in his nose and aiming it at the correct part of Ava’s boob, which is when the screen blips, freezes, and then the screen goes completely black.
Then we sit there in darkness for a few moments until we hear the sound of the top of a zippo lighter being flicked off, as always followed by the distinct sound of one running their thumb against the igniter. Then we see a strong yet small flame illuminate the perilous darkness as it gently dances across the tip of a cigarette. We see the faint grey clouds of smoke blown into the air.
Je$TyR SeRyOu$: OK children now let’s talk about what we actually just watched! Ohhh STOP! If you fuggin jabronis didn’t all insist you can’t understand the shit I say I am forced to consider the common denominator which is me of course, so this is me making sure that doesn’t happen here! So please do try and keep up, cause look real talk DICKHEADZ, I can sit here and SPLAIN it to your dumb asses all day but the one thing I simply cannot do is
K so what we just finished watching was yes one overdramatized flat out FARCE! However I can sit here with a straight face aside from the smile I painted on it, and confidently tell ya if you strip away the shenanigins and HILARIOUS jokes if you unsimple your minds and peer in a bit closer you’d do well to notice my farce of a reality show has more
Ask yourselves what was the show about? Two hilarious dim witted social parasites who think they are way more important than they actually are, due to any and every bit of success they have found in their field is directly attributed to the person they are presently leeching off of who’s “famous” extends well beyondz
And keeping with typical reality TV traditions our subjects were scraped directly from the bottom of the phucking barrel which means they have about as much class as fucking RECESS! Now Justin let’s stop speaking so vaguely shall we? You like the generation we perform in front of you too have this hatred and denial for seeing things the way they are, but just because you refuse to see the world for how it is doesn’t mean that aint how it is. And you blatantly choosing to ignore it is about as irresponsible as it is
Cause look I was hoping to keep my personal opinion of you outside of EPW as far away from this as possible, because truth be told I don’t need any of that shit to make this phuckin point! But this bit here is relevant only because I know you are probably above mentioning matters outside the ring as well, you’ve proven yourself a CLASSY FELLA…HA, SO YEAH. Look I’ll be honest there are few things I despise more about my own human existencethan those few and far between moments where I have to stop and look myself in the mirror and admit I was
Once upon a time I looked at you and mistakenly thought I saw a kindred spirit, someone I thought had what it took to bring down the current establishment and replace it with something far more substantial. But in reality you are just a phucking twat trying to fit into the cookie cutter wedges of the Matt Knox’s and JMONT;s of the world, which means you are too narrow sighted or just flat out too got damn
Which brings us to what I promise will prove to be your most co$tly oversight EVER! Cause if you don’t see that PHUCKING HIPPORHINOELEPHANT in the phucking room then it stands to reason you haven’t the faintest idea what this thing on Danger tween me and you is actually about! Nor do you grasp what you are up against…Which makes me sad because after you get forced fed your phucking realityt check live on National TeLeViSiOn by the time you actually realize how SeRyOuSLy you should have taken me I’ll already be at your
Cause here is a preview of the facts Im finna laugh hysterically at as I shove them down your throat in the most violent fashion possible! Last week was the grand REBRANDING of OCW into our home now known as EPW. So what does anyone worth their salt in business do at such a juncture? They go all out to ensure every pair of eyes that falls on the product sees it for the spectacle it very well should be! ANd there was your sweet SuGaR BRITCHES with a roster full of CHAMPIONS (a list which your dumb ass is on for the time being) and you’d do well to notice
Here’z a phuckin cheat sheet for ya VeGaN DIET LITE JMONT, it’s the same DooD your girlfriend went out and nabbed when it became painfully obvious you were in dire need of a win that mattered! And well she has given you free reign over this company from the moment you poked your stupid face onto OCW TV, and even with all that helpyou still can’t convince simple bitches that watch wrestling that the things you do
?MaTTeR?
It’s not the opponent BITCH IT’S YOU! You come in here running the same shit we dun seen literally seven and a half times before you did it and you wonder why no one cares! You are the straight to DVD version of this shit, and the reason you are the champ and I gotta climb in the ring and beat some CREDIBILITY into you is because as much as yall wanna sit there and act like I’m beneath you again if you actually looked close enough you’d notice compared to most of you stale twats I’m a
Which is why Britt Baylor chose me Justin! Cause unlike you I know what we have to do, I’m willing to take them on and anyone else who stands as a threat to EPW! I know this mathch between me and you is about more than the title Im gunna take from you! It’s about making sure the standard is properly set here in EPW. It’s about who has enough fight to push through and dare anyone else who wants some to step up and COME F’N GET IT! And that aint you JUSTIN! And Britt knows that just as well as everyone else BUT YOU FOR NOW! ANd if you think I’m talking outta my ass LOOK AT THE MATCH STIPULATIONZ MORON! SHe did her best to make them favor you, but all she really did was sign off on what will be the most
Cause yeah sure all you gotta do is use your foot to stomp my face into the mat easy enough, but me what happens WHEN…WHEN I put you in your own move and you find yourself in such intolerable pain you have no choice but to BEG THE REF TO STOP IT and then hope he can stop me (spoiler alert he can’t, they gunna need to all come down to get me off your dumb ass)! You are an insult to everything we are supposed to stan for, and if you aren’t apart of the solution that is EPW then you are in the wrong neighborhood SALLY! It’s almost game time Justin! Which is why the whole way there I am going to laugh at whatever stupid shit you are going to say about me that we’ve heard a million times. Cause ya know what I find so funny about all this? You and those asses you love kissing can SLEEP ON ME ALL YOU WANT, only when you wake up Thursday morning and your title is now my title and all you have left are the few remaining shards of dignity and confidence I didn’t smash to bits in public you’ll realize that the only place you was ever gunna beat me PoDnUH was
So really pussy boy at this point the only thing I have left to say to you is
…And so as you see yourselves from my kingdom may I remind you to once again embrace the reality this reality program was ultimately trying to suggest which of course is
…It’s Been YoUR PLea$uRE!!!!
!!!!! F’n WoR$T !!!!!
RiGHT UP THERE w/ Baseball, Vomiting and THE HoLoCaU$T!!!
! There aint ever shit on TV! I mean yeah yall could go outside, do something with your spawn, go to brunch, but instead of getting off your asses and going to do something productive, perhaps even fun (yall remember that shit?), or at worst something that is a far better misuse of your freetime you’ll never get back ever, you foolishly and completely void of reason opt to tough it out on your couch hoping your brain poisoning box otherwise known as your television has the cure to your insufferable boredom!
!!!!!!HA!!!!!!!
…GooD LuCK w THAT!
But please, where are our manners? You must think us terribly RuDe for keeping you from enjoying the well deserved ripe fruits of your
!!!!STuPiDiTy!!!!!
…WHiCH WoULD ONLy Be IGNoRaNCe iF YaLL DiDN’T KNoW ANy BeTTeR!!!!
…But you do, so you’re just STuPiD! Ohh and while that goes out to pretty much all of you, Justin York we mean it more towards you, because well we find you to be
!!!STuPiDeRRRRR!!!!
THaN THe AVeRaGe InSuFFeRaBLe MoUTH BReaTHeR FouND On BoTH SiDEZ oF THe GuaRDRaiL in EPW!!!!
But more on that shit in jus a BiT! Cause yall was finna kick back and enjoy your Saturday Afternoon watching that utter blasphemous public defiling of the human race otherwise known as
~$~ ReaLiTy TeLeVi$iON ~$~
THaT HaS AS MUCH To Do w ACTuAL ReaLiTy AS MTV DoES w ANYTHING ACTUALLY RELATED TO MUSIC!!!
You grab your remote and switch it on. You read the name of the streaming network as you don’t really recognize the logo or even know you’ve ever heard of a streaming service called
~$~ THe BaRGaiN BIN ~$~
…For THe PeoPLe w NO CLASS oR Ta$TE!...Or $$$ HA
Your general lack of options and imagination compel you to click the only thing your TV or remote will allow. It bringz you to an even brighter orange screen with a black mission statement type thing…And it ReaDZ:
Over the years almost every major filming studio in the country has churned out countless of our favorite binge worthy shows, movies, and documentaries. However they can’t all be good! So there are a few things a year that get greenlit, funded, and filmed and it winds up testing so poorly we can’t air it nor can we get any major business to endorse it.
So you may be wondering, why not just destroy it? And well since we live in a day and age where most of you actually spend time watching toddlers unwrap and eat various kinds of gummy snacks, or watching other people do nothing but play video games while also providing (JBL GAWD AWFUL) commentary which stands to reason some of you may enjoy this shit!
Don’t forget to register, login, log back out, log back in, send your resume, and give us your last three known email addresses to set up your account and start earning today! ENJOY and welcome to the BARGAIN BIN!
Uhhhh, what the FECK just happened? Well yall read the shit, yall go take care of the account set up shit, we’ll wait!
…SoMeTiMe LaTeR
K, so like everybody good? CLOSE ENOUGH? GREAT! Sorry about all that, wait HA no we’re not! We kinda did it all on purpose! But as you scroll down and see a long list of soccer games going on in countries you’ve never heard of, a live streaming show about people who watch other people play video games, a cartoon that looks like it don’t know if it wanna be Mickey’s Club House or Loony Toonz! And then finally before you were about to throw your remote and consider suicide or a long and probably sweaty nap you see something that catches your eye…
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ELEVATE PRO WRESTLING!
Being the dedicated and passionate wrestling fan you are, how do you not click on it? But it doesn’t take long after you click on it to discover it aint exactly what you thought…We mean it is…But at the same time meh not so much…KNOW what?...Yall just watch for yourselves!
We see the little icon showing the stream is buffering and adjusting to the settings on ur television. Then after a few moments the black screen blips and then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the last episode.
We are at some kinda plush, trendy, and very full night club. Wait a second this place looks rather familiar. We see a few of the utterly gorgeous bartenders and then our view shoots to a sign above the bar and we notice we are presently rubbing elbows with the F’N FANCY FOLKS as we all fight the urge to not get down to all the
NNNNNN TAA UnNnNnN TA NnNnNnN TA
Music playing in the background as we watch one of their infamous STARTENDERS mix up and pour two pink liquids into two martini glasses (COSMOZ)!...The bartender adds the twist of lemon and the lime that comes with every cosmo sold here at the VeLVeT RaBBIT. The waitress stabs the ticket, rolls her eyes as she calls out to the STARTENDER…
Waitress: Eh, you made sure you made these right? These ladies are FUCKING CUNTS! They bitched about the tables behind them having more napkins than theirs did!
The Startender gives the waitress a thumbs up. Then our girl has to maneuver her way in and out of almost four large groups of very drunk people violently swinging and thrashing to this crap ass techno music.
They sit in the middle booth in a row of 5 booths against a wall. Once the waitress finally makes it over your jaw nearly hits the floor when you discover the REAL HOUSEWIVES OF EPW are actually those two dead battery dildos Alexander Davenport and Justin York.
OHHH WAIT HoL Up YALL!!!
OK so like it’s not actually them! We hired actors and shit! SO it’s ok yall can jerk that knot out of your panties and we can continue! SO yeah anyGoTDayUMWAY…May we proudly introduce to you the not very lovely REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ELEVATE PRO WRESTLING, the one in the WALMART slut black dress that looks like Justin Bieber’s
!!!!!!LiTTLe Si$TeR!!!!!
Is JuiCeTayNe YORKIE!!! BoW WoW WoW Yi…LOL NVM!!!!
The other one who at least had the got damn decency to buy her slut suit from the Carrie Bradshaw collection found at your nearest TARGET, and given the strange assortment of pastel colors this one came with we can’t tell if she looks like the Easter Bunny’s
!!!!D.I.L.D.O.!!!!!
Or…ORRRRR THE ONLY HOOKER IN CHURCH ON EASTER SUNDAY!?!
…Its prolly best we leave that one to the PHiLoSiPHiZeRZ YALL, we are as always on the got damn clock here!
Anyhoo this here tall drink of PoRTaPoTTy PiSS is known around the FRAT HoU$eS as
~$~ ALeXaNDRa EFFedateryport ~$~
SPOILER ALERT SHE’S A CUNT TOO!!!
SO anyway now that we are all properly acquainted and shit the waitress’s safari through the human wilderness has ended as she stops and composes herself. The two ladies were in the middle of another one of their brilliant scholarly conversations that shows like these are known for. But the moment the waitress withdraws her hand from the stem of the second drink, JuiceTayNE’s one EYEBROW raises almost to the middle of her forehead, as she makes this real bitchy passive eye roll, as the small waitress of course notices. The people outside that cant see this bitch saw that shit!
Ladies can I get you anything else?
JuiCeTayNe YORKIE: Well um I mean, you could at least bring us what we ordered. We’ve been sitting here for like 13 minutes and it took you forever to get here. I mean what the hell are these abominations you put in front of us?
Cosmos?...You ladies ordered cosmos didn’t you?
ALeXaNDRa EFFedateryport: Um excuse me miss? Like how hard is your job really? Yes we ordered cosmos, but listen OK. I remember saying I wanted a half salt and half sugar rim, and xtra strawberry, two little straws and one big one, and a splash of sprite and orange juice! And my friend here wanted hers on the ROCKS, GAHHHHHHHH!
I mean it’s not ROCKET SURGERY! .
Ladies I am so, so sorry! I must have not heard you say that, but I’ll tell you what, yall go ahead and keep those and I’ll have the Startender whip you up some fresh ones right away! I’m so sorry!
Look whatever, just make sure you get it right this time aight? Cause if this happens again I don’t think your pimp will be happy to find out that you insulted his YOUTUBE FAMOUS clientele! Cause I don’t even wanna hear that boolshit talkin bout you don’t know who we are!
Sorry I work a lot I don’t get to watch as much YOUTUBE as I used to?
This bitch! Well we are the wifehusbands of the two most powerful people in ELEVATE PRO WRESTLING SWEETHEART!
Which should tell ya two things off top snow flake! Number ONE, we almost ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT! AND NUMBER 2. WE AINT ABOVE SLAPPIN A BITCH MmMmMKay?
And please don’t tell anyone we are just here trying to enjoy ourselves! The last time we had a dumber waitress than you and we wound up having to take like eleven selfies with people it was GROSS!
SO GROSS! Ohhhh girl you hear that?...That’s MY SONG!
Plays over the loud speakers…Only its some even worse modern tecno version of it..Wait no it’s the special Pitbull remix…Which is what makes it Ms. YoRKiE’s favorite song! HAHAHAHA sorry!...NoT SoRRy!!!
The two hags shimmy out of those booths like Payless was having a garage sale and start doing what most drunk white girls would insist is dancing even though it looks almost like a demon is trying to get out of their body without an exorcist! The poor waitress is trying her best to not burst into laughter as she looks at the ladies who are paying her no nevermind as she thinks to herself…”Youtube famous my born again virgin vagina I feel bad for whoever their husbands are!
…Don’t
Yall wanna see where they were?
OUTLAWZ
Bourbon Street New Orleans Louisiana.
We are in the private office suite of the owner of this fine GENTLEMEN’s CLUB owned and operated by the TiN$LeToWN TRoUBLE MaKeR HIMSELF! There is a large black poker table set up in the middle of the room. On one half of the table we see Je$TyR SeRyOuS with his purple neck tie tied around his head keeping the ACE of Spades firmly pressed to his forehead. To his left is the estranged brother of EPW owner, the one ball and chained to Eff’dneryport Joel Traylor! And even though it looks like his suit was bought from GoodWIll you have to show respect because well none of the clown’s fuggin
~!$!~ PRoCeDZ Go 2 CHaRiTy ~!$!~
But Then Again His Suits Don’t Smell Like TACO BELL and DoLLaR TREE BLEECH!
So ya know WHATEV 2 EACH THEIR OWN! ANd on Jestyr’s right is the owner and operator of one of the hottest up and coming wrestling promotions in the world today BoB TRAYLOR! His clothes we can’t make fun of because if you make fun of ARMANI then you have less class then those two cunts back at the Rabbit making sure everyone knows who let the F’N DOGS OUT!
Good ole BoB and Jestyr seem to be having a grand ole time playing what appears to be some weird version of Captain Dickhead and Strip Poker, as the camera pans and we see across the table four of the most beautiful adult film stars to ever play the game, who have all seemed to have lost their clothes on the orders of their CAPTAIN! Joel on the other hand looks like he had one too many Twisted Teas, Until Jestyr nods at the biggest tittes in the room that of course belong to the one and only Ava Adams. She reaches into the center of the table and pulls out a little baggie filled to the top with a sparkling white powder. Here on Bourbon Street we call it
!$! MoLLyWHoP $!$
GoT A LiL BiT oF THiS, A WHoLE LoT oF THaT, AND THe KiDZ JuST LoVE IT!
Poor Joel who looks like he just wants the room to stop spinning. Ava gets closer as Jestyr then swiftly kicks Joel’s chair, waking him up. As he shoots up we watch her shade go from mayo white to John Cena green in about three seconds flat!
EH! Hey BoB what’d you tell me your little sister’s name was over here I fuggin forgot?
Bob goes to answer but instead erupts in laughter as does everyone else around the table. Joel utters something that sounds like shut up, which only causes more laughter…
EH, JOEL-E, look like you need a second wind, cause like it’s only 1:45 am, and well it’s gunna get late before it gets early, and trust me you DO NOT wanna pass out around these ladies! K? Not a great idea!
Joel Traylor: But…But I think I’m dying!
RUBBISH! Look take that straw out your cup put it in your nose and give Ms. Adams BooBiEZ a TooT! It’ll perk you right up in no time at all!
NO! I’LL GET ADDICTED!
The girls all giggle as Jestyr and Bob exchange looks. Jestyr smirks as his eyes light up as he rebuttals…
ADDICTED? You are one crazy CRACKER if I’ve ever seen one! Look its on her boobs…If you snort something off a persons body parts it makes it scientifically impossible for you to get addicted! ANd hey…I would NEVER EVER LIE about shit like this! So either take a lil toot, then BiBBiTy, BoBBiTY, MoTHER F’N BOOOO you are back in the game…Or you can ride this thing out and suffer the miserable pains of alcohol poisoning that comes with the worst hangover ever in the morning, but your call!
Nu-uh that’s not true…IS it BOB?
Jestyr turns his head and uses his thumb to point at the BOSS BoB TRAYLOR, who nods her head in agreement, as Jestyr grabs a bottle of 151 and pours a shot. Taking the glass he drops it in Bob’s Guinness as they fist bump, as we see Joel having some issues putting the straw in his nose and aiming it at the correct part of Ava’s boob, which is when the screen blips, freezes, and then the screen goes completely black.
Then we sit there in darkness for a few moments until we hear the sound of the top of a zippo lighter being flicked off, as always followed by the distinct sound of one running their thumb against the igniter. Then we see a strong yet small flame illuminate the perilous darkness as it gently dances across the tip of a cigarette. We see the faint grey clouds of smoke blown into the air.
Je$TyR SeRyOu$: OK children now let’s talk about what we actually just watched! Ohhh STOP! If you fuggin jabronis didn’t all insist you can’t understand the shit I say I am forced to consider the common denominator which is me of course, so this is me making sure that doesn’t happen here! So please do try and keep up, cause look real talk DICKHEADZ, I can sit here and SPLAIN it to your dumb asses all day but the one thing I simply cannot do is
!!!!F’n UNDERSTAND IT FOR YOU!!!!
SO HEADZ OUT OF ASSES PLEASE THERE YA GO GET SOME OF THAT FRESH AIR AHHHHHHH
K so what we just finished watching was yes one overdramatized flat out FARCE! However I can sit here with a straight face aside from the smile I painted on it, and confidently tell ya if you strip away the shenanigins and HILARIOUS jokes if you unsimple your minds and peer in a bit closer you’d do well to notice my farce of a reality show has more
!!!!!F’N REALITY!!!!
IN IT THAN EVERY REALITY SHOW TO COME OUT…UH EVER!!!
Ask yourselves what was the show about? Two hilarious dim witted social parasites who think they are way more important than they actually are, due to any and every bit of success they have found in their field is directly attributed to the person they are presently leeching off of who’s “famous” extends well beyondz
!!!!F’N YOUTUBE!!!!
…K SO STOP ME IF YA HEARD THIS ONE!!!!
And keeping with typical reality TV traditions our subjects were scraped directly from the bottom of the phucking barrel which means they have about as much class as fucking RECESS! Now Justin let’s stop speaking so vaguely shall we? You like the generation we perform in front of you too have this hatred and denial for seeing things the way they are, but just because you refuse to see the world for how it is doesn’t mean that aint how it is. And you blatantly choosing to ignore it is about as irresponsible as it is
!!!!DeTReMeNTaL!!!!
TO YOUR CAREER AND PERSONAL HEALTH!!!
Cause look I was hoping to keep my personal opinion of you outside of EPW as far away from this as possible, because truth be told I don’t need any of that shit to make this phuckin point! But this bit here is relevant only because I know you are probably above mentioning matters outside the ring as well, you’ve proven yourself a CLASSY FELLA…HA, SO YEAH. Look I’ll be honest there are few things I despise more about my own human existencethan those few and far between moments where I have to stop and look myself in the mirror and admit I was
!!!!!W.R.O.N.G.!!!!!
AND BOY OH BOY WAS I F’N W.R.O.N.G. ABOUT YOUR SIMPLE ASS!!!
Once upon a time I looked at you and mistakenly thought I saw a kindred spirit, someone I thought had what it took to bring down the current establishment and replace it with something far more substantial. But in reality you are just a phucking twat trying to fit into the cookie cutter wedges of the Matt Knox’s and JMONT;s of the world, which means you are too narrow sighted or just flat out too got damn
!!!!!$TuPiD!!!!!
TO SEE WE NEED LESS OF THOSE D-BAGZ NOT MORE!!!
Which brings us to what I promise will prove to be your most co$tly oversight EVER! Cause if you don’t see that PHUCKING HIPPORHINOELEPHANT in the phucking room then it stands to reason you haven’t the faintest idea what this thing on Danger tween me and you is actually about! Nor do you grasp what you are up against…Which makes me sad because after you get forced fed your phucking realityt check live on National TeLeViSiOn by the time you actually realize how SeRyOuSLy you should have taken me I’ll already be at your
!!!!F’N FuNeRaL!!!!!
GiViN YoUR DUMB CUNT MOTHER DEAD F’N FLOWERZ!!!!
Cause here is a preview of the facts Im finna laugh hysterically at as I shove them down your throat in the most violent fashion possible! Last week was the grand REBRANDING of OCW into our home now known as EPW. So what does anyone worth their salt in business do at such a juncture? They go all out to ensure every pair of eyes that falls on the product sees it for the spectacle it very well should be! ANd there was your sweet SuGaR BRITCHES with a roster full of CHAMPIONS (a list which your dumb ass is on for the time being) and you’d do well to notice
!!!!YoU WuZNT WHo THeY PiCKeD!!!!!
MeMBeR WHo IT WAS SLICK???
Here’z a phuckin cheat sheet for ya VeGaN DIET LITE JMONT, it’s the same DooD your girlfriend went out and nabbed when it became painfully obvious you were in dire need of a win that mattered! And well she has given you free reign over this company from the moment you poked your stupid face onto OCW TV, and even with all that helpyou still can’t convince simple bitches that watch wrestling that the things you do
?MaTTeR?Hmm No WoNDeR YoU’D STAND iN LINE TO WASH KNOX’S UNMeNTiONaBLEZ!!
It’s not the opponent BITCH IT’S YOU! You come in here running the same shit we dun seen literally seven and a half times before you did it and you wonder why no one cares! You are the straight to DVD version of this shit, and the reason you are the champ and I gotta climb in the ring and beat some CREDIBILITY into you is because as much as yall wanna sit there and act like I’m beneath you again if you actually looked close enough you’d notice compared to most of you stale twats I’m a
!!!!BREATH OF FRESH AIR!!!!
AND I NEED THEIR APPROVAL LIKE THE HUMAN BODY NEEDS ITS APPENDIX!
Which is why Britt Baylor chose me Justin! Cause unlike you I know what we have to do, I’m willing to take them on and anyone else who stands as a threat to EPW! I know this mathch between me and you is about more than the title Im gunna take from you! It’s about making sure the standard is properly set here in EPW. It’s about who has enough fight to push through and dare anyone else who wants some to step up and COME F’N GET IT! And that aint you JUSTIN! And Britt knows that just as well as everyone else BUT YOU FOR NOW! ANd if you think I’m talking outta my ass LOOK AT THE MATCH STIPULATIONZ MORON! SHe did her best to make them favor you, but all she really did was sign off on what will be the most
!!!!HuMiLiaTiNG DeFeaT!!!!
oF YoUR BITCH ASS CAREER!!!
Cause yeah sure all you gotta do is use your foot to stomp my face into the mat easy enough, but me what happens WHEN…WHEN I put you in your own move and you find yourself in such intolerable pain you have no choice but to BEG THE REF TO STOP IT and then hope he can stop me (spoiler alert he can’t, they gunna need to all come down to get me off your dumb ass)! You are an insult to everything we are supposed to stan for, and if you aren’t apart of the solution that is EPW then you are in the wrong neighborhood SALLY! It’s almost game time Justin! Which is why the whole way there I am going to laugh at whatever stupid shit you are going to say about me that we’ve heard a million times. Cause ya know what I find so funny about all this? You and those asses you love kissing can SLEEP ON ME ALL YOU WANT, only when you wake up Thursday morning and your title is now my title and all you have left are the few remaining shards of dignity and confidence I didn’t smash to bits in public you’ll realize that the only place you was ever gunna beat me PoDnUH was
!!!!IN YOUR DREAMZ!!!!
So GuESS THiS iS YoUR VeRy RuDe AWaKeNiNG!!!
So really pussy boy at this point the only thing I have left to say to you is
!!!!!SoaK!!!!!
!!!!!SoMe!!!!!
!!!!!!!UP!!!!!!
And GeT ReaDy To GeT HiT So HaRD It’LL EVeN HuRT YoUR FeeLiNZ!!!
…And so as you see yourselves from my kingdom may I remind you to once again embrace the reality this reality program was ultimately trying to suggest which of course is
…It’s Been YoUR PLea$uRE!!!!
4:19
GoT
-A-
??MiNuTe??