Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2024 20:27:03 GMT -5
We open on a shot of a cheap sitcom backyard set. We see a man, child and woman all dressed in army camouflage uniforms.
“For the last time, Tommy! Pick up your darn tootin’ toys! I’m dipping and dodging lego blocks and dinky cars trying to get to my tool shed! Ah derp!”
(Laugh Track)
“Sorry dad!”
“..Tommy?”
“Oh.. sorry Sargent Dad!”
(Laugh Track)
“That’s better!”
“Say, hun. Do you think our son should be forced to call you Sargent? After all you are his father!”
(Laugh Track)
“Well he needs to learn discipline. And frankly. You should start calling me Sargent HUN as well! Ahhhh derpity derp!”
(Laugh track)
“Oh you. Say, sarge. Weren’t you a pilot in the army?”
“Why yes my dear, I was indeed a pilot for the US forces. Why?”
“Oh good. Well I just cut down all those branches… now you better pile it!”
The man looks into the camera with a goofy expersion.
“OHHHH DERPIPTY DERP!!!”
(Laugh Track)
“Aaaaaand cut! Great job everyone. Really funny stuff! Let’s have a break shall we!”
The director says as the actors come off their cheap backyard set.
“I hate everyone.”
Sarah Hendricks muttered under her breath as she is seen sitting in a chair watching the cast and crew chat among themselves.
“Why am I here? What is the point of all of this?”
A man approaches Sarah wearing a ‘Army & You’ shirt.
“Hey you’re Sarah, right? The Army Consultant for Mr. Wheeler?”
Sarah sighed nodding.
“Mr. Wheeler will be with you in a few minutes… thanks for doing this.”
“Yep.. no worries.”
That’s why I am here. I promised my Lieutenant that as a favor I would come on this pathetic show as a consultant for television super star Dirk Wheeler. He wanted a real life soldier to get advice from to get into his character. Sigh. For the record, I didn't take this job for the money. This gig was offered to me before I got my EPW contract. And I made a promise to a superior officer that I would do this favor for him. I keep my word. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Besides.. How bad could it be?
Sarah watches as two of the writers walk by her chatting to each other.
“Pilot. Pile it. Man. If this show doesn’t get us that Emmy Award.. NOTHING will!”
“I already ordered my tuxedo…”
“Score!”
Sarah sighed again.
I hate everyone. Why do I even bother? But are these morons as bad as the idiots in wrestling business? The battle royal on Danger was intense. And while I didn’t lose… I also didn’t win. It was a tie or a draw or whatever they want to call it. Alessia Capello and I both eliminated each other in the final moments of the match.
What does that mean?
It apparently means No Disqualification match between us two on the next episode of EPW Danger. Winner gets Alexandra Callaway at EPW Revival.
But.. Do I even… want it?
Hmm
I do. I want it. I guess. But as I look over the industry I signed up for.. I question myself.. Why? Why do I want it? I watched my dear friend Donnie Harris and the deranged Jestyr almost kill each other in a steel cage match from hell. The blood. The weapons. The mayhem. For what? Pride? And now I am about to do the same to a lesser extent against Capello next week? Why? For a shot at some championship belt? I don’t get it. I saw Donnie’s anger. His pain as he bled out. All for another loss? All to prove he deserves the be the champion of EPW? And the clown. Jestyr? Does he feel anything? He laughs like he might even enjoy the bruises and damage he receives.
I don’t get it…
One man no sells the pain with laughter just to continue his chaos within the business? And Donnie. Sweet, Donnie. His obsession with becoming the world champion isn’t healthy for his body and the mind. His single purpose. His single mission. His love… to be the champion is too much to watch. No one will ever get close to him as he is blinded by that infatuation of being the champ. If Donnie gets it. And I pray for his mental health he does… then what? It will never end. So I digress…
I have my own life to worry about. And what lies for me next is Alessia Capello. She is dangerous and as strong as anyone I have ever encountered. She is looking to go through me on Danger and earn that title match. And she might just do it too…
But not without a fight. And…
“YOU MUST BE HENDRICKS!?!?”
Sarah's inner monologue is interrupted by actor Dirk Wheeler. He is head to toe in a cheaply made camouflage army uniform.
“I am… you are Dirk, right?”
He laughs in a ‘Duh’ kind of reaction as he sits down across from her.
“You’re pretty cute. When I asked for an Army Consultant i was thinking it would be a beefed up hairy man not cutey-patootie lady… but that’s OK! I’m all for the ME TOO movement. Hey… BLM, am i right?
Sarah raises an eyebrow.
“Right.. So what exactly did you want to know about the military for your role Dirk?”
“Slow down my lady. We’ll get to that in a second. As you can tell I just did a pretty amazing workout when I was acting my ass off just now. Let’s just chill for a minute…”
Sarah sighs and leans in.
“I was hired for an hour of your time. You’ve already wasted 20 minutes of my time. So you have now 40 minutes left. Chill or not. Clock is ticking…”
Dirk smirks, nodding confidently.
“What was it… 100 bucks an hour? Right?”
He digs in his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash and throws two 100 dollar bills at her face.
“Well now we have three hours to talk.”
He touches her knee and winks at her. Sarah stands up and begins to walk towards the exit. Dirk quickly follows her.
“Hey, hey! Ok. Ok. 40 minutes. Really… you can even keep the extra 200 if you want… just come back… c’mon…”
Sarah stops and sighs again. She slowly walks back to her seat with Dirk.
“...39 minutes.”
“Fine. Fine. Well first of all, I am kind of a method actor. Like when I got the lead role as real life holocaust survivor Sal Schwatz in that PBS Mini Series “Surviving Hell On Earth”. I knew I had become Sal. I lost so much weight by just eating one spoon full of relish for EVERY meal. For breakfast? Relish. For lunch. Relish. For supper…”
“Relish?”
“EXACTLY! Of course on weekends I would have T-Bone steak dinners and my golf clubhouse. But on those nights I slept in a barn in pig shit. Because the Holocaust victims in World War 1 didn’t have toilets. So I slept and shit in a barn with the pigs…”
“Um.. it was World War 2.”
“Hmm. You sure?”
“Certain.”
“Hmm. I’ll get my assistant Janet to do a quick wikipedia search to confirm or deny this. But I like your confidence. So has your whole family been into the army thing? Do tell?”
Sarah nodded.
“My great grandfather and my father all served the United States army… I signed up as a last minute decision. Am I proud of my service? Of course. But do I regret it sometimes? Absolutely. I had nothing else in my life and after a few other failed attempts I just did it. And many, many years later… here I am.”
“That is so cool! Have you ever shot and killed anyone?”
Sarah bites her lip.
“Yes.”
“AWEEESOME!”
Dirk punches the air in awe of Sarah's honesty.
“I shot a gun once. I did this pilot for FOX called “GUN MAN AND THE BOMBER!” with John Stamos. It was so fun to fire a gun on the shooting range and on set. Shame it didn’t get picked up. Strong pilot...”
Sarah checks her watch.
“Sorry, sorry. So what was some other careers you tried before joining the military or marines or whatever? I want to know what my character's feelings are before and after he battled in WAR!!?”
Sarah leans her head back.
“Uhhh. I don’t know, Dirk. A lot of things.”
“Do tell.”
Dirk says pulling out a note pad and pen.
“Ok.. Well, I first studied to be a nurse but that ended when I fell in love with someone. It didn’t last as they never do. And when he moved on to follow his dreams I was… alone. And me going back to become a nurse didn’t seem right. I took a few other courses and worked a few dead end jobs until I took my fathers advice and… joined the Marines.”
“What other courses?”
“It’s a little private. Kind of personal..”
“Interesting… do tell, Ms Hendricks.”
She sighs.
“Well… I did 6 months of…”
Sarah sighs.
“Clown college..”
Dirk laughs as Sarah gives him an evil stare which immediately shuts him up.
“Sorry. Um, Clown college, huh?”
She smiles.
“Yeah. Clown college. It seemed… fun? And I needed some fun after my break up with my ex. I learned it all. Animal balloons. Juggling fruit. The little tricycle. Hell even the flower that squirts out water. Everything. And I was damn good at it too. My gimmick was Toppsy Sarah! I had big red shoes, polka dot tights, a big red nose and a top hat to seal the deal.”
She chuckles to herself at the memory.
“So.. what happened?”
“Little Doyle’s 8th Birthday Party happened. Everything was going well. The kids were laughing. The parents smiled and took pictures. And I was being the silliest and most fun Toppsy Sarah any kid could want at their party. Until I pulled out bugsy the bunny from my hat.”
“Aw sounds cute..”
“... a DEAD bugsy the bunny. He apparently had a little heart attack during the event and when I grabbed him the children screamed in terror. The parents looked at me with disgust… and Doyle’s mother asked me to leave. So I did… I never wore the top hat again.”
There’s a long awkward silence between the two.
“So I joined the army and now I am a professional wrestler in EPW. How time flies…”
“Ew. You wrestle now? So you were a clown, a marine and a wrestler? Was your ex-lovers name happen to be Linda?”
Dirk laughs to himself as Sarah stands up looking down at him.
“Oh no!!!… Major Toppsy Sarah the lesbian is mad at me. I hope she doesn’t give me a bear hug!!!”
Dirk says as he laughs some more. Sarah smirks and grabs his fingers and snaps them back breaking each of them with one yank. Dirk begins crying for her to let go as the Army & You set look at them both in fear and confusion.
She lets go.
“There. Happy? We still have 20 minutes if you want to chat some more?”
“You’re a crazy bitch! Get off my set!!”
Security approaches Sarah but she holds up her arms and begins walking to the exit door on her own.
“I hate everyone. No one can be trusted. Nobody. And now that I got this last non-wrestling work commitment out of the way I can move on to Danger. Move on to Alessia Capello.
I don’t know much about you Alessia. And the same goes for you about me. But we both survived the battle royal last week. Now can we survive each other? One on one. No rules. One winner. I looked over your statistics. You have quite the established career. Former champion and many accolades. I wish that meant something to me. I really do. But it really doesn't. Knowing this information doesn’t change my approach to our match. Or any match. It could be you, a former champion. Or some new wrestler making their debut. Or a street hobo. Or an Afghanistan soldier. It Makes no difference to me.
But the No rules stipulation is what throws me off. I’m sure you’ve been in many. And won a lot of them. No rules is a tricky thing. How far can one go? How far will you go to beat me? And how far am I willing to go to beat you? Is it worth it? This isn’t war. This is just a sport. A violent combat sport I signed up for. We will see how far we are willing to go for the win. I hope I don’t need to go too far… because I can. And if triggered… I will. Only one way to find out. See you at Danger, Alessia.”
Sarah walked out to the studio parking lot. She stretched her neck and her arms as she approached her car. That’s when she noticed something on the hood.
“What the fuck…?”
As she got closer she noticed it was a black top hat. A similar hat she wore when she performed as Toppsy Sarah in her past. But she told nobody about that embarrassing part of her life before today. Reaching her hands out, Sarah picked up the hat as something fell out of it. Sarah looked at the ground and picked up what appeared to be the back of a playing card. She turned the card over to reveal it to be a JOKER card.
“... but how?”
Looking at the card she gently flicked it away into the wind. She then looked over the top and slowly put it on top of her head. She closed her eyes with a smirk and then opened them back up wide.
She paused for a moment taking in the feeling of the hat. Quickly she took the hat off and tucked it under her arms before getting into the car.
“For the last time, Tommy! Pick up your darn tootin’ toys! I’m dipping and dodging lego blocks and dinky cars trying to get to my tool shed! Ah derp!”
(Laugh Track)
“Sorry dad!”
“..Tommy?”
“Oh.. sorry Sargent Dad!”
(Laugh Track)
“That’s better!”
“Say, hun. Do you think our son should be forced to call you Sargent? After all you are his father!”
(Laugh Track)
“Well he needs to learn discipline. And frankly. You should start calling me Sargent HUN as well! Ahhhh derpity derp!”
(Laugh track)
“Oh you. Say, sarge. Weren’t you a pilot in the army?”
“Why yes my dear, I was indeed a pilot for the US forces. Why?”
“Oh good. Well I just cut down all those branches… now you better pile it!”
The man looks into the camera with a goofy expersion.
“OHHHH DERPIPTY DERP!!!”
(Laugh Track)
ARMY & YOU INTRO
“Aaaaaand cut! Great job everyone. Really funny stuff! Let’s have a break shall we!”
The director says as the actors come off their cheap backyard set.
“I hate everyone.”
Sarah Hendricks muttered under her breath as she is seen sitting in a chair watching the cast and crew chat among themselves.
“Why am I here? What is the point of all of this?”
A man approaches Sarah wearing a ‘Army & You’ shirt.
“Hey you’re Sarah, right? The Army Consultant for Mr. Wheeler?”
Sarah sighed nodding.
“Mr. Wheeler will be with you in a few minutes… thanks for doing this.”
“Yep.. no worries.”
That’s why I am here. I promised my Lieutenant that as a favor I would come on this pathetic show as a consultant for television super star Dirk Wheeler. He wanted a real life soldier to get advice from to get into his character. Sigh. For the record, I didn't take this job for the money. This gig was offered to me before I got my EPW contract. And I made a promise to a superior officer that I would do this favor for him. I keep my word. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Besides.. How bad could it be?
Sarah watches as two of the writers walk by her chatting to each other.
“Pilot. Pile it. Man. If this show doesn’t get us that Emmy Award.. NOTHING will!”
“I already ordered my tuxedo…”
“Score!”
Sarah sighed again.
I hate everyone. Why do I even bother? But are these morons as bad as the idiots in wrestling business? The battle royal on Danger was intense. And while I didn’t lose… I also didn’t win. It was a tie or a draw or whatever they want to call it. Alessia Capello and I both eliminated each other in the final moments of the match.
What does that mean?
It apparently means No Disqualification match between us two on the next episode of EPW Danger. Winner gets Alexandra Callaway at EPW Revival.
But.. Do I even… want it?
Hmm
I do. I want it. I guess. But as I look over the industry I signed up for.. I question myself.. Why? Why do I want it? I watched my dear friend Donnie Harris and the deranged Jestyr almost kill each other in a steel cage match from hell. The blood. The weapons. The mayhem. For what? Pride? And now I am about to do the same to a lesser extent against Capello next week? Why? For a shot at some championship belt? I don’t get it. I saw Donnie’s anger. His pain as he bled out. All for another loss? All to prove he deserves the be the champion of EPW? And the clown. Jestyr? Does he feel anything? He laughs like he might even enjoy the bruises and damage he receives.
I don’t get it…
One man no sells the pain with laughter just to continue his chaos within the business? And Donnie. Sweet, Donnie. His obsession with becoming the world champion isn’t healthy for his body and the mind. His single purpose. His single mission. His love… to be the champion is too much to watch. No one will ever get close to him as he is blinded by that infatuation of being the champ. If Donnie gets it. And I pray for his mental health he does… then what? It will never end. So I digress…
I have my own life to worry about. And what lies for me next is Alessia Capello. She is dangerous and as strong as anyone I have ever encountered. She is looking to go through me on Danger and earn that title match. And she might just do it too…
But not without a fight. And…
“YOU MUST BE HENDRICKS!?!?”
Sarah's inner monologue is interrupted by actor Dirk Wheeler. He is head to toe in a cheaply made camouflage army uniform.
“I am… you are Dirk, right?”
He laughs in a ‘Duh’ kind of reaction as he sits down across from her.
“You’re pretty cute. When I asked for an Army Consultant i was thinking it would be a beefed up hairy man not cutey-patootie lady… but that’s OK! I’m all for the ME TOO movement. Hey… BLM, am i right?
Sarah raises an eyebrow.
“Right.. So what exactly did you want to know about the military for your role Dirk?”
“Slow down my lady. We’ll get to that in a second. As you can tell I just did a pretty amazing workout when I was acting my ass off just now. Let’s just chill for a minute…”
Sarah sighs and leans in.
“I was hired for an hour of your time. You’ve already wasted 20 minutes of my time. So you have now 40 minutes left. Chill or not. Clock is ticking…”
Dirk smirks, nodding confidently.
“What was it… 100 bucks an hour? Right?”
He digs in his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash and throws two 100 dollar bills at her face.
“Well now we have three hours to talk.”
He touches her knee and winks at her. Sarah stands up and begins to walk towards the exit. Dirk quickly follows her.
“Hey, hey! Ok. Ok. 40 minutes. Really… you can even keep the extra 200 if you want… just come back… c’mon…”
Sarah stops and sighs again. She slowly walks back to her seat with Dirk.
“...39 minutes.”
“Fine. Fine. Well first of all, I am kind of a method actor. Like when I got the lead role as real life holocaust survivor Sal Schwatz in that PBS Mini Series “Surviving Hell On Earth”. I knew I had become Sal. I lost so much weight by just eating one spoon full of relish for EVERY meal. For breakfast? Relish. For lunch. Relish. For supper…”
“Relish?”
“EXACTLY! Of course on weekends I would have T-Bone steak dinners and my golf clubhouse. But on those nights I slept in a barn in pig shit. Because the Holocaust victims in World War 1 didn’t have toilets. So I slept and shit in a barn with the pigs…”
“Um.. it was World War 2.”
“Hmm. You sure?”
“Certain.”
“Hmm. I’ll get my assistant Janet to do a quick wikipedia search to confirm or deny this. But I like your confidence. So has your whole family been into the army thing? Do tell?”
Sarah nodded.
“My great grandfather and my father all served the United States army… I signed up as a last minute decision. Am I proud of my service? Of course. But do I regret it sometimes? Absolutely. I had nothing else in my life and after a few other failed attempts I just did it. And many, many years later… here I am.”
“That is so cool! Have you ever shot and killed anyone?”
Sarah bites her lip.
“Yes.”
“AWEEESOME!”
Dirk punches the air in awe of Sarah's honesty.
“I shot a gun once. I did this pilot for FOX called “GUN MAN AND THE BOMBER!” with John Stamos. It was so fun to fire a gun on the shooting range and on set. Shame it didn’t get picked up. Strong pilot...”
Sarah checks her watch.
“Sorry, sorry. So what was some other careers you tried before joining the military or marines or whatever? I want to know what my character's feelings are before and after he battled in WAR!!?”
Sarah leans her head back.
“Uhhh. I don’t know, Dirk. A lot of things.”
“Do tell.”
Dirk says pulling out a note pad and pen.
“Ok.. Well, I first studied to be a nurse but that ended when I fell in love with someone. It didn’t last as they never do. And when he moved on to follow his dreams I was… alone. And me going back to become a nurse didn’t seem right. I took a few other courses and worked a few dead end jobs until I took my fathers advice and… joined the Marines.”
“What other courses?”
“It’s a little private. Kind of personal..”
“Interesting… do tell, Ms Hendricks.”
She sighs.
“Well… I did 6 months of…”
Sarah sighs.
“Clown college..”
Dirk laughs as Sarah gives him an evil stare which immediately shuts him up.
“Sorry. Um, Clown college, huh?”
She smiles.
“Yeah. Clown college. It seemed… fun? And I needed some fun after my break up with my ex. I learned it all. Animal balloons. Juggling fruit. The little tricycle. Hell even the flower that squirts out water. Everything. And I was damn good at it too. My gimmick was Toppsy Sarah! I had big red shoes, polka dot tights, a big red nose and a top hat to seal the deal.”
She chuckles to herself at the memory.
“So.. what happened?”
“Little Doyle’s 8th Birthday Party happened. Everything was going well. The kids were laughing. The parents smiled and took pictures. And I was being the silliest and most fun Toppsy Sarah any kid could want at their party. Until I pulled out bugsy the bunny from my hat.”
“Aw sounds cute..”
“... a DEAD bugsy the bunny. He apparently had a little heart attack during the event and when I grabbed him the children screamed in terror. The parents looked at me with disgust… and Doyle’s mother asked me to leave. So I did… I never wore the top hat again.”
There’s a long awkward silence between the two.
“So I joined the army and now I am a professional wrestler in EPW. How time flies…”
“Ew. You wrestle now? So you were a clown, a marine and a wrestler? Was your ex-lovers name happen to be Linda?”
Dirk laughs to himself as Sarah stands up looking down at him.
“Oh no!!!… Major Toppsy Sarah the lesbian is mad at me. I hope she doesn’t give me a bear hug!!!”
Dirk says as he laughs some more. Sarah smirks and grabs his fingers and snaps them back breaking each of them with one yank. Dirk begins crying for her to let go as the Army & You set look at them both in fear and confusion.
She lets go.
“There. Happy? We still have 20 minutes if you want to chat some more?”
“You’re a crazy bitch! Get off my set!!”
Security approaches Sarah but she holds up her arms and begins walking to the exit door on her own.
“I hate everyone. No one can be trusted. Nobody. And now that I got this last non-wrestling work commitment out of the way I can move on to Danger. Move on to Alessia Capello.
I don’t know much about you Alessia. And the same goes for you about me. But we both survived the battle royal last week. Now can we survive each other? One on one. No rules. One winner. I looked over your statistics. You have quite the established career. Former champion and many accolades. I wish that meant something to me. I really do. But it really doesn't. Knowing this information doesn’t change my approach to our match. Or any match. It could be you, a former champion. Or some new wrestler making their debut. Or a street hobo. Or an Afghanistan soldier. It Makes no difference to me.
But the No rules stipulation is what throws me off. I’m sure you’ve been in many. And won a lot of them. No rules is a tricky thing. How far can one go? How far will you go to beat me? And how far am I willing to go to beat you? Is it worth it? This isn’t war. This is just a sport. A violent combat sport I signed up for. We will see how far we are willing to go for the win. I hope I don’t need to go too far… because I can. And if triggered… I will. Only one way to find out. See you at Danger, Alessia.”
Sarah walked out to the studio parking lot. She stretched her neck and her arms as she approached her car. That’s when she noticed something on the hood.
“What the fuck…?”
As she got closer she noticed it was a black top hat. A similar hat she wore when she performed as Toppsy Sarah in her past. But she told nobody about that embarrassing part of her life before today. Reaching her hands out, Sarah picked up the hat as something fell out of it. Sarah looked at the ground and picked up what appeared to be the back of a playing card. She turned the card over to reveal it to be a JOKER card.
“... but how?”
Looking at the card she gently flicked it away into the wind. She then looked over the top and slowly put it on top of her head. She closed her eyes with a smirk and then opened them back up wide.
She paused for a moment taking in the feeling of the hat. Quickly she took the hat off and tucked it under her arms before getting into the car.