Stevie (Now ranked #321) and the Ladder Match of Boom

[Stevie Satisfaction]

God knows when this happened.

This is a dark room.

And there are just way too many people in black silk robes and masks for this not to be a gangbang or orgy situation. You know, like that Tom Cruise ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ movie? Instead though, this appears to be a meeting of no more than twenty people in what could best be described as someone’s basement. There is a little stage there and a podium which all sits in front of a large sign that reads “The Secret Society of Stevies” written in Sharpie marker. To the right of the sign is a picture of Stevie Wonder and to the left of the sign is a picture of Stevie Nicks. Are you starting to get the picture, yet?

So sadly, you’re not about to watch a gangbang, orgy or a lemon party.

Instead, a masked figure gets up before the rest of the room behind the podium and waves for the meeting to begin. In a confident voice he points towards the crowd which quiets down for their leader, with a singular gesture and spoken word we begin this meeting.

“Bring the petitioners forward...”

Three more people in robes and masks make their way from another part of the basement and before the head masked leader. He looks over them all and nods in approval as the other masked figures stand up as well.

“Are the petitioners ready to say the sacred oath and join our ranks?”

All the three of the new members nod. The leader raises both of his hands outwardly as the rest of the room continue to remain motionless and silent. Speaking directly to the new members the leader points to them.

“Then raise your right hands and repeat the oath.”

Without looking at any sort of paper or anything else the three standing there begin to repeat the oath.

“We are Stevies, we are not Stephens or Steves or even Steve-Os. We hold the name Stevie to be sacred, we will do everything in our power to make sure that we uphold the name of Stevie and never to do anything that would harm the name. Also, we will not give aid or comfort to Alan, our centuries old sworn enemy, in any manner. Long live the Secret Society of Stevie until our death.”

There is applause from the crowd.

“You may remove your masks and learn your ranking among the other Stevies in the world.”

The first one is a regular guy, you could probably guess his name, he just sort of stands there and waves at the other Stevies in the room. He’s a little chubby, and is wearing glasses.

“We welcome Stevie Jones, gynecologist of Tampa Bay to the Stevies. He will begin his time in the Society as the two hundred and eighty-fifth ranked Stevie.”

There are some ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from the crowd as it seems that being the 285th ranked Stevie is something to be impressed about here. The next person steps forward and removes their mask, it is not a male Stevie, but a female Stevie. This causes gasps and a stunned silence from the crowd, someone in the small gathering yells out something about a ‘prophecy’ as well. The man on the stage calms everyone down in the crowd with a wave of his hands.

“We welcome Stevie Lynn Parker, who does ASMR videos on YouTube. She will begin her time in the Society as the one hundred and twenty third ranked Stevie! And I will hear no mention of the prophecy!”

There is a strong reaction to the ranking, some call it too low and boo loudly but eventually with a couple of gavel strikes the room is brought back to order by the man running things. This leads to the last person stepping forward and taking off their mask, this is a familiar looking Stevie. This is Stevie Satisfaction, and he’s not getting the reaction that he thought he’d be getting from the crowd of other Stevies. There’s a look of concern on his face as he turns towards everyone else in the room waiting for someone to recognize him and start cheering or something.

“We welcome Stevie Satisfaction, professional wrestler of EPW. He will begin his time in the Society as the four hundred and seventh ranked Stevie.”

Stevie Satisfaciton mouths “what the fuck?” as he is drowned out by the other Stevies cheering for the 407th ranking with approval. Stevie, our Stevie, continues to have a confused look on his face as the leader begins to speak again.

“That concludes tonight’s induction ceremony, remember that the next meeting will be our annual chili cook off where the winner will increase their overall Stevie ranking. That is, if anyone can top seventeenth ranked Stevie’s world famous chili which has won the past five years.

Good luck to you all. Unless there is no other business, I declare this meeting adj--”

With the gavel in hand and ready to bang, Stevie Satisfaction steps forward to raise a point that has been sticking in his craw for the past thirty seconds. All of the other Stevies look a bit shocked that a new Stevie would be willing to do this.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I have a whole bunch of questions about the whole ranking thing, specifically how did you determine that me of all people to be ranked four hundred and seven while this guy over here to be two hundred spots higher than me. Sure, we can all enjoy smelling his fingers, but you all know who I am, right? You all watched me on national TV the other night, right?”

Everyone just stares, but Stevie -- our Stevie -- isn’t about to stop.

“And what’s with the overhyping of this Stevie? Sure, she’s cute but I’ve been to her YouTube channel and I didn’t get the tingles no matter how much she made the mouth noises. You know what will give you the tingles? Watching me do my thing on national TV. Did I mention that I was on national TV? That should put me easily within the top five Stevies of all time.”

A gasping shock from the crowd.

Then chaos. Everyone begins arguing about everything and most of them are screaming in the direction of Stevie -- our Stevie -- but none of this seems to bother him as he just stands there with his arms crossed and smirk on his face.

---

And that takes us to the present day.

Stevie is wrapping up telling his story to Cameraman Curt.

“And to finish my story, girl Stevie? She eventually did give me the tingles that night. I let the other Stevie’s in the basement take turns smelling my fingers. I’m now the three hundred and twenty first ranked Stevie in the world. I was told that no other Stevie in history was able to jump that many spots in a single night, so while I’m not happy with my overall ranking I feel that I’m going to advance into the top ten rather quickly.

Sorry you weren’t allowed into the meeting, Curt. You’re just not a Stevie.”

Cameraman Curt is probably sad, but since he’s holding the camera you can’t see him cry. Stevie’s not about to hand him a tissue, but instead puts a hand on his shoulder off screen and makes sure he’s ready to work.

“Make sure you’re shooting this at regular speed or this is going to look weird, okay?

Are we good?

Good.

Needless to say, Boss Lady gave me the call. So, speaking of jumping up the rankings, in my first official match here in EPW I get to jump not just up the rankings, but I get to jump to the front of the line. We’re talking Revival, the biggest show of the year, the grandest stage of them all and yours truly will be taking part in that eight person ladder clusterfuck of a match for the Revival Championship. And all I need to do to get to the front of the line is climb a ladder faster than those seven others. How satisfying is that?

Now I know what you’re expecting me to do right now and that is to do the stereotypical run everyone down in this match and talk a bunch of shit. But, I’m better than that, so I’m not going to go down that route… I’m going to do this the right way, the Stevie way.

See this is my first match in EPW, so I know people are going to be taking pot shots at the fact that I haven’t earned my way into this match. I’m sure John Blaze will tell us all about getting into this match with a win over Goth… but I’m sure he’ll downplay dropping the ball against Morbid Wolf allowing Wolf to get in. As the Tampa Bay Lightning will attest to, Blaze, you can only go so far with a good offense, and a shitty defense. As for Morbid Wolf, congrats on getting into this match… on your second attempt. Just so we’re all clear, you know you’re not going to get a second chance at Revival, right? The rest of you are kind of just seat fillers figuratively speaking of course. Except for Hunter Valentyne who talked a bunch of shit and then shit himself on live TV, so literally he’s a seat filler. But, I’m sure all of you will make for great opponents for me…”

That’s a slow-jerk motion from Stevie. Aiming it right at Cameraman Curt.

“...and who knows, one of you lucky seven might just get to watch from the perspective of my sweet rear-end as I stand on top of the ladder and retrieve the Revival Championship. And kudos to whomever it is that happens to be looking up, you’re like the second person in the human centipede. Y’all ever seen that flick? The first person eats whatever the heck they want just fine, the rest of the people just get to feast on the person’s ass in front of them. So, second place in the centipede you’re probably still getting some flavor, but everyone else? Yikes. I’m sure it’s like yogurt at that point. I don’t know, I got lost with all of the science behind that movie.

Either way, back to my original point.

Yes, one of you lucky sonuvabitches will get that front row seat watching me punch my ticket to the main event. And how do I know it’ll be the main event? Because Stevie Satisfaction isn’t about to cash in this Revival Championship on the tag team belts or the Rebellion title. I’m going straight to the top on a rocket ship headed for the stars. I’m going to be standing right there after right after the dust settles between Donnie Harris and Clyde Newton yelling at the top of my lungs that I’ve got next!”

Stevie gives that sly smile a break, opting for a full blown smile at this point.

“What? Were you expecting someone with the nickname ‘Nothing But Action’ to do anything less once getting their hands on a winning lottery ticket? Come on, I’m going to cash that ticket in before the ink even dries. I don’t wait or sit around, I’m going to shoot my shot the first chance I get and then I’m going to keep on shooting. I’m Stephe-- no, I’m Stevie Curry, wide open on the arc and I’m about to drain that three so damn sweet.

Splash.”

This gets that basketball shooting motion, no doubt.

“But let’s talk about the real winners in all of this. I’m talking about all of the fans who are going to plop down their hard earned money and sit through seven additional matches after getting to watch me in my world debut match. Each and everyone of those fans are going to have three to four hours to recover after getting to watch me ascend that ladder faster than my international Stevie ranking. And they’re all going to need that time, because I intend on leaving every single person in Raymond James Stadium absolutely dripping with satisfaction.

Don’t forget to check under your seats for wet naps, you’re welcome.”

Stevie places his hand over the camera and we go to static.