Post by Stevie Satisfaction on Jul 21, 2024 20:37:43 GMT -5
You’re now looking at a cute blonde.
Like really cute.
But she’s not here for a pole dance, rather she’s dressed in a professional manner and this is most certainly a professional office that we find ourselves in here today. There is no rave music or glitter, not a single thing to make any normal person think something different. With an extremely annoyed tone in her voice she speaks.
“For the last time and let me make this perfectly, I am not a stripper. I have not been hired by the EPW front office as a reward for your performance at Revival. You have been called into HR, which stands for ‘Human Resources’ and not ‘huge rack’ to have it explained to you that there were complaints about your latest promo that was recorded. If there are any further complaints legal has determined that we will be forced to register you for sensitivity training courses. Is that clear?
Wait, don’t talk. Don’t say another word, just nod if you understand me.”
The camera cuts to the person that she’s been talking to none other than Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie with a number of dollar bills in his hand and a confused look on his face allows for the money to fall from his fingers and slowly nods in approval.
“So, you need to go back and edit out this list of these things that standards and practices have determined to be changed within your promo or you will be hearing from the EPW legal department.”
She slides the folded up paper across the table to where Stevie is sitting, still a bit confused at the whole thing. Stevie unfolds the paper and gives it once over glance, he points to a couple of the items that are listed and looks to say something, but discretion is the better part of valor in a situation like this. The blonde speaks one last time.
“You have a nice day there, Stevie. And don’t forget to pick up your money on the way out.”
We fade to black.
We start with a voice.
“Alright Cameraman Curt, are we ready to shoot this?
Good, on me in three… two… one.”
And now we have a face to match that voice, that would be the face of Stevie Satisfaction who has quite the annoyed expression on his face which matches the tone of his voice.
“For nearly… for nearly a damn week now I have been faced with all these random people asking me the same question over and over and over again. With their slacked jaws, and their missing teeth they pour from their mouth the question of how disappointed I am that I didn’t win the ladder match at Revival. Sure, it takes me a moment to decode their gibberish and thick inbred accents, but I do my best to just move on and try not to say what’s really going on in my mind.
So here we go, I’m going to answer that question once and for all. I’m going to make it extremely clear so even the dumbest amongst you all can understand and you can all stop asking me the same question.
Am I disappointed?”
Stevie takes a long pause, and a couple of deep breaths before he finally shakes his head and begins to answer that question.
“Am I disappointed? Of course I am, I had that briefcase within my fingertips only to have a crappy pee-water spritzer spit into my eyes and fall to the ground. Of course I couldn’t have known how acidic that White Claw would have been getting into my eyes. I wouldn’t drink one of those even if my life depended on it! So yeah, disappointed is a good word to start with at how my night at Revival went. But you know what? Every single EPW fan should be disappointed as well, because now I won’t be challenging for the Heavyweight Championship belt, and you’re all going to be stuck with Donne Harris talking about how great working out is or some shit like that for the next few months.
Good luck to you all, I hope you invest in ear plugs or really comfortable pillows.”
The annoyed look on Stevie’s face slowly drains from his expression and in a calm manner he lets go with a deep breath.
“We can all move on now with our days. Let’s move on to this upcoming episode of Danger.”
But then the annoyed look fills right back into his face.
“And let me tell you why I’m so pissed off now. Because now I am being forced to face off against Morbid Wolf for the chance to step into the cage against Shawn Savage. Let that sentence soak in for a second or two, because it took me at least a day or two to process it myself. Have you processed it yet? Good. Let’s just break that all down because that’s a whole heap of garbage that’s being thrown at me all at once.
First off, Morbid Wolf. Goddamn, where does someone even come up with a name like Morbid Wolf in the first place? Oh, I’m sure it makes you sound like the coolest person on your Minecraft server with the rest of the Aut--”
I mean seriously, Morbid Wolf? Just giving yourself that name is proof enough to me that we’re all watching a sequel to the ‘40 Year Old Virgin’ twenty years too late except this one isn’t that funny, it’s just sad. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that in your parent’s basement you’ve built yourself a throne out of cardboard boxes and anime girl pillows. And when you sit upon that throne of yours, you are Morbid Wolf, King of the Virgins, First and Last of his name, leader of the anime Waifus and protector of the realm of depression. So congratulations on your kingdom, may they never find your hidden gym sock.
But really? I have to face this guy. How is that fair, for him I mean… no matter what I do, this is going to be a handi--”
“Match and I’m going to look like the bad guy beating him up on national TV like that. Thankfully for him nobody on his Minecraft server is going to be allowed to watch because Danger is rated TV-14. But don’t worry out there Stevie fans, no matter how conflicted it makes me feel on the inside to fight someone like Morbid Wolf, I’m still going to put on an amazing show and leave you all satisfied.
That’s simply what I always do. No matter if I’m being forced to kick down. Speaking of down?”
That was a long rant, not that we got to hear it, but for original Stevie he went for a bit there without stopping and now grabs himself a bottle of water but instead just giving it a swig, Stevie splashes it in his face.
“You know, every time I do that I still get the flavor of White Claw in my mouth. I know it’s gone and all, but still like a reflex or bad memory I get the taste of that shit on my tongue. Which brings me to my second problem with this whole thing. So, after I humiliate the human donkey show my spoils of victory is to step foot into a cage with the trailer park trash captain himself? Yeah, I’d like to knock the piss out of Shawn Savage for what he did to me at Revival, but I’d rather just switch his White Claw with drain cleaner and save ten minutes of my life.
Here’s a better idea, Morbid Wolf is all hellbent on getting into ridiculous silly matches, let him and the trailer trash step into the cage. Hell, I’ll even light the damn thing on fire for the both of them and bring marshmallows for the entire crowd. They’ll love it. Or even better than that, how about you put Shawn Savage into the Circus Deathmatch thing that Morbid Wolf is going around challenging every living being to. Then you’ll have all the fucking clowns in the same fucking match all at the same fucking time. One big giant Circus clown match for everyone to enjoy as these assholes tear each other limb from limb with flaming cotton candy. Hell, you can even put the Slayer posters that each of them probably have still hanging on their bedroom walls on the line… wait nevermind, I’m sure Morbid Wolf doesn’t actually have a poster of Slayer on his wall. I mean, he might tell the twelve-year-olds that he does, but let’s be honest that guy only has a poster of Morbid Wolf on his wall… hanging right over his bed at night. If Slayer actually knew that someone like Morbid Wolf was using them as their theme music? Yikes, they’d switch to country music.
As for me? I’ll just move on up the rankings to bigger and better things. I think this a win-win for everyone. And not that you all deserve it, but here’s a second Stevie Pro-tip of the day for you all. Stevie is going to be the biggest star in EPW, and Stevie hates waiting in lines for things. If you do the math there, you might as well start thinking of Stevie as your only satisfying headliner. Otherwise, it’s going to be Donnie Harris putting everyone in the audience to sleep.”
And with those last words, Stevie gives the cut motion to Cameraman Curt. It is at this point he did not know that EPW HR would somehow get a hold of this interview and have to go back and make the proper edits.
This is a bonus part, this is caller feedback. If you’ve got Stevie’s phone number you can feel free to leave him a message because he most certainly won’t be taking your calls. There’s no picture to this, just sound. And there’s the beep.
Beep.
“Hey Stevie, this is Stevie from the Secret Society of Stevies. To be clear, I’m the one you were in the basement of when you said your pledge to the Secret Society of Stevies. Just wanted to check in with you and let you know that over the past couple of weeks we have moved you up on the official rankings. You are now the three hundred and nineteenth ranked Stevie, so you’re up two places in just a couple of weeks, that’s really good. One of the Stevies ahead of you unfortunately got into a fatal car accident, and the other Stevie hasn’t checked in with the Society for a couple of months now. You don’t think there’s something going on wi… nah, nevermind, probably nothing.”
There’s a slight and uncomfortable pause after an anxious chuckle.
“Also, I was wondering if you could give me the contact information of Stevie, the female one, that you were initiated with… seems like she could be pretty important after all. I’m not going to jump the gun and say she plays a role in the prophecy, like some of the others have been saying but she might be important. Odd that she didn’t fill out her member information form properly and when I called the number we had on file it was to a laundromat. Thanks and don’t forget that in a couple of weeks we’re having our chili cook-off, look forward to seeing how well you can cook! Or just taste!
Talk to you soon.”
Beep.
We end.
Like really cute.
But she’s not here for a pole dance, rather she’s dressed in a professional manner and this is most certainly a professional office that we find ourselves in here today. There is no rave music or glitter, not a single thing to make any normal person think something different. With an extremely annoyed tone in her voice she speaks.
“For the last time and let me make this perfectly, I am not a stripper. I have not been hired by the EPW front office as a reward for your performance at Revival. You have been called into HR, which stands for ‘Human Resources’ and not ‘huge rack’ to have it explained to you that there were complaints about your latest promo that was recorded. If there are any further complaints legal has determined that we will be forced to register you for sensitivity training courses. Is that clear?
Wait, don’t talk. Don’t say another word, just nod if you understand me.”
The camera cuts to the person that she’s been talking to none other than Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie with a number of dollar bills in his hand and a confused look on his face allows for the money to fall from his fingers and slowly nods in approval.
“So, you need to go back and edit out this list of these things that standards and practices have determined to be changed within your promo or you will be hearing from the EPW legal department.”
She slides the folded up paper across the table to where Stevie is sitting, still a bit confused at the whole thing. Stevie unfolds the paper and gives it once over glance, he points to a couple of the items that are listed and looks to say something, but discretion is the better part of valor in a situation like this. The blonde speaks one last time.
“You have a nice day there, Stevie. And don’t forget to pick up your money on the way out.”
We fade to black.
Two Days Ago.
We start with a voice.
“Alright Cameraman Curt, are we ready to shoot this?
Good, on me in three… two… one.”
And now we have a face to match that voice, that would be the face of Stevie Satisfaction who has quite the annoyed expression on his face which matches the tone of his voice.
“For nearly… for nearly a damn week now I have been faced with all these random people asking me the same question over and over and over again. With their slacked jaws, and their missing teeth they pour from their mouth the question of how disappointed I am that I didn’t win the ladder match at Revival. Sure, it takes me a moment to decode their gibberish and thick inbred accents, but I do my best to just move on and try not to say what’s really going on in my mind.
So here we go, I’m going to answer that question once and for all. I’m going to make it extremely clear so even the dumbest amongst you all can understand and you can all stop asking me the same question.
Am I disappointed?”
Stevie takes a long pause, and a couple of deep breaths before he finally shakes his head and begins to answer that question.
“Am I disappointed? Of course I am, I had that briefcase within my fingertips only to have a crappy pee-water spritzer spit into my eyes and fall to the ground. Of course I couldn’t have known how acidic that White Claw would have been getting into my eyes. I wouldn’t drink one of those even if my life depended on it! So yeah, disappointed is a good word to start with at how my night at Revival went. But you know what? Every single EPW fan should be disappointed as well, because now I won’t be challenging for the Heavyweight Championship belt, and you’re all going to be stuck with Donne Harris talking about how great working out is or some shit like that for the next few months.
Good luck to you all, I hope you invest in ear plugs or really comfortable pillows.”
The annoyed look on Stevie’s face slowly drains from his expression and in a calm manner he lets go with a deep breath.
“We can all move on now with our days. Let’s move on to this upcoming episode of Danger.”
But then the annoyed look fills right back into his face.
“And let me tell you why I’m so pissed off now. Because now I am being forced to face off against Morbid Wolf for the chance to step into the cage against Shawn Savage. Let that sentence soak in for a second or two, because it took me at least a day or two to process it myself. Have you processed it yet? Good. Let’s just break that all down because that’s a whole heap of garbage that’s being thrown at me all at once.
First off, Morbid Wolf. Goddamn, where does someone even come up with a name like Morbid Wolf in the first place? Oh, I’m sure it makes you sound like the coolest person on your Minecraft server with the rest of the Aut--”
Just before Stevie says the word that you know that probably will get him in trouble the screen pauses and a smaller pop-up screen in the corner pops up and it’s Stevie once again. “Hey all! Stevie from the future here, and I am here to say that not everyone who plays Minecraft suffers from Autism nor is there anything wrong with those you out there that have Autism. I’ll be supporting you all with a blue ribbon when Autism Awareness month rolls around again in April. Until then, keep on crafting!” Pop-up Stevie from the future disappears and we get back to the original Stevie speaking. |
“--istic twelve year olds. Which raises a lot of concerns on my part, because what’s a forty-four year old man doing playing online games with children in the first place? Seems to me that perhaps local law enforcement in your area should serve you with one of those restraining orders that prevents you from hanging around school playgrounds. Here’s your Stevie Pro-tip of the tip, if there’s someone in your neighborhood going around and calling themself Morbid Wolf, they’re also probably required by law to disclose they’re on the sexual offender registry.
I mean seriously, Morbid Wolf? Just giving yourself that name is proof enough to me that we’re all watching a sequel to the ‘40 Year Old Virgin’ twenty years too late except this one isn’t that funny, it’s just sad. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that in your parent’s basement you’ve built yourself a throne out of cardboard boxes and anime girl pillows. And when you sit upon that throne of yours, you are Morbid Wolf, King of the Virgins, First and Last of his name, leader of the anime Waifus and protector of the realm of depression. So congratulations on your kingdom, may they never find your hidden gym sock.
But really? I have to face this guy. How is that fair, for him I mean… no matter what I do, this is going to be a handi--”
The screen freezes once again and pop-up Stevie from the future appears for a second time. “A handi-capable match is what I meant to say, not handicapped. Nothing but love for you all, I’ve never parked in one of your spaces at the store. Alright, back to past Stevie.” The screen unfreezes once again picking up a delayed split second to miss out on the other half of the word. |
That’s simply what I always do. No matter if I’m being forced to kick down. Speaking of down?”
And for a third time we’re going to pause Stevie talking and have pop-up future Stevie appear on the screen. Unlike the first two times, this time future Stevie has a real serious look on his face and tone in his voice. In fact, he’s wearing a shirt and a tie? Yeap. This must not just be future Stevie, but future just met with HR Stevie. “Alright, from the word down you can probably guess where this one goes. Honestly, I am just going to apologize and say that I was under a lot of stress and normally I do not say things like this. In fact, I am embarrassed about making fun of those born with down syndrome and using that to compare it to someone like Morbid Wolf. I am just going to hit the fast forward on this part of my rant and we’ll do that in silence.” Pop-up Stevie from the future holds up a remote control and hits the fast forward button. The Stevie in the background is sped up ranting and raving about something for quite a bit here. Actually, that’s a lot of speaking he’s doing. Pop-up Stevie finally picks up the remote again and hits pause. “That should be just about it from me. Once again, do forget to check out Danger when we hit the airwaves on July 31st from Hartford, Connecticut. And if you’re going to be around might as well buy some tickets. Back to Stevie in the past…” Pop-up Stevie disappears and the original Stevie ends his sentence. |
“...mother of a donkey show!”
That was a long rant, not that we got to hear it, but for original Stevie he went for a bit there without stopping and now grabs himself a bottle of water but instead just giving it a swig, Stevie splashes it in his face.
“You know, every time I do that I still get the flavor of White Claw in my mouth. I know it’s gone and all, but still like a reflex or bad memory I get the taste of that shit on my tongue. Which brings me to my second problem with this whole thing. So, after I humiliate the human donkey show my spoils of victory is to step foot into a cage with the trailer park trash captain himself? Yeah, I’d like to knock the piss out of Shawn Savage for what he did to me at Revival, but I’d rather just switch his White Claw with drain cleaner and save ten minutes of my life.
Here’s a better idea, Morbid Wolf is all hellbent on getting into ridiculous silly matches, let him and the trailer trash step into the cage. Hell, I’ll even light the damn thing on fire for the both of them and bring marshmallows for the entire crowd. They’ll love it. Or even better than that, how about you put Shawn Savage into the Circus Deathmatch thing that Morbid Wolf is going around challenging every living being to. Then you’ll have all the fucking clowns in the same fucking match all at the same fucking time. One big giant Circus clown match for everyone to enjoy as these assholes tear each other limb from limb with flaming cotton candy. Hell, you can even put the Slayer posters that each of them probably have still hanging on their bedroom walls on the line… wait nevermind, I’m sure Morbid Wolf doesn’t actually have a poster of Slayer on his wall. I mean, he might tell the twelve-year-olds that he does, but let’s be honest that guy only has a poster of Morbid Wolf on his wall… hanging right over his bed at night. If Slayer actually knew that someone like Morbid Wolf was using them as their theme music? Yikes, they’d switch to country music.
As for me? I’ll just move on up the rankings to bigger and better things. I think this a win-win for everyone. And not that you all deserve it, but here’s a second Stevie Pro-tip of the day for you all. Stevie is going to be the biggest star in EPW, and Stevie hates waiting in lines for things. If you do the math there, you might as well start thinking of Stevie as your only satisfying headliner. Otherwise, it’s going to be Donnie Harris putting everyone in the audience to sleep.”
And with those last words, Stevie gives the cut motion to Cameraman Curt. It is at this point he did not know that EPW HR would somehow get a hold of this interview and have to go back and make the proper edits.
This is a bonus part, this is caller feedback. If you’ve got Stevie’s phone number you can feel free to leave him a message because he most certainly won’t be taking your calls. There’s no picture to this, just sound. And there’s the beep.
Beep.
“Hey Stevie, this is Stevie from the Secret Society of Stevies. To be clear, I’m the one you were in the basement of when you said your pledge to the Secret Society of Stevies. Just wanted to check in with you and let you know that over the past couple of weeks we have moved you up on the official rankings. You are now the three hundred and nineteenth ranked Stevie, so you’re up two places in just a couple of weeks, that’s really good. One of the Stevies ahead of you unfortunately got into a fatal car accident, and the other Stevie hasn’t checked in with the Society for a couple of months now. You don’t think there’s something going on wi… nah, nevermind, probably nothing.”
There’s a slight and uncomfortable pause after an anxious chuckle.
“Also, I was wondering if you could give me the contact information of Stevie, the female one, that you were initiated with… seems like she could be pretty important after all. I’m not going to jump the gun and say she plays a role in the prophecy, like some of the others have been saying but she might be important. Odd that she didn’t fill out her member information form properly and when I called the number we had on file it was to a laundromat. Thanks and don’t forget that in a couple of weeks we’re having our chili cook-off, look forward to seeing how well you can cook! Or just taste!
Talk to you soon.”
Beep.
We end.