Post by Stevie Satisfaction on Aug 7, 2024 23:58:59 GMT -5
Throw your tongs in the air, and wave them around like you just don’t care.
And why’s that?
Because this is the annual Secret of Society Chili Cook-Off, motherfuckers! There’s a lot more to this than a whole bunch of Stevies eating chili too, there’s Stevies grilling, there’s Stevies chilling and then there’s Stevie Satisfaction who is just trying to survive. The painful experience of this place weighs heavy on his face, but it’s only about to get worse. Another Stevie, this one wearing a ‘Kiss the Cook’ grilling apron, makes his way towards him.
CHILI-STEVIE: Have you tried my chili yet, Stevies? I’m thinking there’s no way in hell that I’m going to lose this cook-off. I got the perfect blend of spices, beans, onions and of course my secret ingredient. Sixteenth ranked Stevie in the world, here I come!
The other Stevies standing around our Stevie all look up and acknowledge Chili-Stevie. Our Stevie rolls his eyes and attempts to drown himself with whatever is in his red solo cup.
OUR-STEVIE: Let me guess, your secret ingredient is love.
CHILI-STEVIE: How’d you know?
OUR-STEVIE: It was either that or semen.
Everyone shares a laugh as Chili-Stevie has a bit of a worried look on his face as he walks away. It is at this point that one of the other Stevies begins to force some of the other Stevies standing around to smell his fingers, that’s probably OBGYN Stevie. At this point, our Stevie walks off continuing to drink as much as possible out of his cup on his way to fill up for another round. Our Stevie is stopped in his path by the leader of the Stevies, the owner of the backyard they’re all hanging out in.
STEVIE LEADER: Stevie, hope you’re enjoying the cook-off. We really need to talk about Stevie, the female one, you know the one that I left you a message about. I tried calling the number you gave me, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of her for a couple of days now and I mean I really called her. We’re talking borderline stalker number of calls. I’m kind of worried, because it turns out that she might be a part of this prophecy that we have… so, I guess what I’m saying is that I need you to give her a call.
Our Stevie just sort of stands there as he refills his cup from the keg, he’s only half paying attention and gives the assertive nod.
STEVIE LEADER: Oh good, I think if she saw it was you she might be more apt in answering or returning a message. I think I’m just coming through as spam by now. Plus with the rash of all the bad things that have been happening to the Stevies as of late, we really need to get a hold of her soon. I can’t believe we’ve lost three more.
That last bit from the leader of Stevies grabs the attention of our Stevie. He pulls his face away from his red solo cup long enough to ask a really important question.
OUR-STEVIE: Three more Stevies gone? So, does that mean I’m now the three hundred and sixteenth ranked Stevie?
STEVIE LEADER: Well, I haven’t really updated the rankings in the past couple of days. But, I really need you to get a hold of her, can I count on you to do that for me?
Once again Stevie only gives a single nod, half paying attention. It’s at this moment that this conversation is interrupted by OBGYN Stevie who waves his fingers in front of the face of the leader of the Stevies, probably in an attempt to move up in the rankings some more himself. He then wanders away.
STEVIE LEADER: Oh, I watched your wrestling match against that Wolf guy, it was… was… entertaining. Not really my thing, but entertaining. I don’t know what a steel cage match is, but it sure sounds like it could be dangerous. So, I can count on you to do that? It would really mean a lot to us, and to your ranking.
Stevie again nods as he takes a long chug of his beer, but when that last part hits he pulls his face out of the beer once again.
OUR-STEVIE: You can count on me, I always show up.
Stevie downs the rest of his drink as he begins to stumble around the rest of the party, trying to mingle with the dozens and dozens of other Stevies that are hanging around trying all the various chili that has been made.
A couple of days later, after all the chili has worked its way out of everyone’s system, we can hear the voice of very feisty Stevie Satisfaction.
“Cameraman Curt, are you ready to roll? I’m ready to unload, I can’t wait any longer and I’m not talking about the chili.”
The camera is picked up and an extremely anxious Stevie is ready to go, he is already pacing and twitching as he walks back and forth. He starts to say something, but then stops thinking about his words for one last moment and then he goes.
“Here’s a question I get a lot, what do you consider disrespectful? You’d think that someone like me would have a list longer than my Johnson on hand ready to whip out at a moment’s notice like my… well, you get the idea. But you know what? I actually had to think about what I consider to be disrespectful. In fact, I had to think about it for a while there but then I finally came up with the best answer for that question.
So, here’s what I consider to be the most disrespectful thing possible.
Not showing up.
That’s it, that’s what I consider to be the most disrespectful… not showing up.”
Stevie stops for a moment, but then he continues with the pacing back and forth.
“And you’re probably thinking, Stevie there’s so many other things in this world that you should probably find disrespectful. So, let me explain… in my world showing up is everything. Because if you don’t show up there can be no follow through, and that’s downright disrespectful.
We can sit here and talk shit about each other on all of the platforms in the world, but in the end it comes down to one simple thing, the follow through. Standing across the ring from that other person and proving that you have the follow through with what you said. Me? I always show up, proof in point, Morbid Wolf. He actually thought he was going to beat my ass so bad that I’d leave professional wrestling forever. He actually thought that I’d end up like his mother, sucking dick for cocaine on some random street corner. But could he follow that through?
Nope.
I’m sure he’ll still be the most popular player on his Minecraft server moving forward. But to me? Morbid Wolf’s a chump with no follow through, who could never stop me from anything including me driving his head into the canvas. That’s what I do to those that are disrespectful folks, I drop them to the ground.”
Stevie points to the ground in front of his feet and for the first time he gives a little bit of a smirk towards Cameraman Curt. Stevie motions for Curt to move a little bit forward to get a nice framing shot of his face.
“And that brings us to Shawn Savage, the man who spit White Claw in the face of yours truly and cost me the Revival championship. Not only that, but he also cost me the opportunity to take the heavyweight title from Donnie Harris. Now you might be asking yourself, did I find that disrespectful? Not in the least, see I would have done the exact damn same thing if I could stomach the flavor of that white trash piss water.
So, what is it that I do find disrespectful about Shawn Savage? Not showing up, no follow through. What do I mean by that? This Indiana slack jawed yokel made the biggest move in the ladder match of Revival and then followed it up with… with… a loss to Goth. And I know what you’re thinking, ‘but Stevie, he and Goth went forty five minutes in an absolute banger of a match on Danger’. Yeah, and he still lost that match. First, it takes anyone from Indiana at least forty five minutes to do anything… Shawn, try this math problem, two plus two. I’ll see you in at least forty five minutes. Second, he lost to Goth. Did I say that already? Too bad, because if you’re from Indiana I’m probably going to need to say at least three more times and with a ‘I just made out with my cousin’ accent.
Where was I? Oh yeah, no follow through.
And I find that completely, unequivocally, one hundred percent fucking disrespectful.
Now they’re going to lock the two of us inside of a steel cage, tempting us to tear each other limb from limb. Had you just left it at the spitting of White Claw in my face, I probably would’ve taken it easy on you. But then there’s that whole disrespect thing. So, I have no choice but to give into that temptation and give the blood thirsty fans what they want. Make no mistake about it, I’m going to send you back down to the largest outdoor toilet of the United States, Indiana, in little bloody chunks. When I’m done with you, there won’t be enough of you left to bury you inside a can of White Claw. The only regret that I’ll have with that is there won’t be a proper grave for me to stop by in the future to take a piss on. But, I’m sure your mom is still available for that?
Don’t disrespect Stevie, don’t ever disrespect Stevie.”
Cameraman Curt pans away and fades to black as Stevie walks away.
When the scene comes back into focus, it is something out of a dream or better yet something out of a nightmare. Something not even Lovecraft could not have cooked up in all of his cocaine powered writing sessions, there are carvings on the walls that give the brain the wiggles just looking at them. Standing before those walls are a number of masked individuals in yellow and white robes, the one in the center has the biggest mask of them all and stands with their arms stretched out to the sky.
GUY: Brothers of the Beloved Order of Alans, we have gathered here tonight in order to offer up the sacrifice to the Crawling Chaos in order to finally sway the balance in the eternal war against the Stevies in our favor!
There are cheers that arise from the other masked figures, the guy with the biggest mask waves his arms to the cheers before doing his best to quiet them down.
GUY: Behold, the sacrifice! To the Stevies, she is their prophecy, but to us she will be the tipping point!
Sure enough as the camera pans backwards, bound to a wooden chair and gagged is Stevie. Not our Stevie, rather the female Stevie. She does her best to try and wiggle and get herself free from the duct tape on her wrists, but there is no hope for freedom. Just then one of the masked individuals steps forward and takes off their mask.
GUY#2: Wait, wait, hold up. We’re not really about to commit murder here tonight, are we?
The leader guy steps forward as well. The two meet at the chair where Stevie is tied up and trying to speak beyond the gag in her mouth. The leader places his hands on her shoulders trying to calm her down a little.
GUY: No, not at all. All we need to do is to convince her to quit the Secret Society of Stevies and join the Beloved Order of Alans. I figure that her doing that will cause a whole bunch of those virgin Stevies to quit and we’ll have way more members just in time for the Society Olympics. And that’ll mean victory for the Alans, baby.
There are more cheers from the masked on-lookers, including the one that stepped forward. Just then the leader again urges them to hush, as they do the sounds of a buzzing from a phone can be heard.
GUY: I think her phone is ringing…
He reaches down and picks it up, reading the name on the phone before putting the phone on speaker. The voice that comes through from the other end is none other than that from Stevie Satisfaction.
OUR-STEVIE: Yo, Stevie. Let me be a little more clear with that, it’s your favorite Stevie from that Secret Society of Stevie thing. You know, the one that left you satisfied and all. Well, I was asked to check in on you and make sure that everything’s okay with you because the rest of the Stevies are lonely… no, are worried that something might have happened to you. So, are you good?
There’s a pause waiting for a response from her.
OUR-STEVIE: Hello? I take it you’re shocked that you’re hearing from me, the greatest and most satisfying night of your life.
It’s at this point that the Stevie in question has been able to free one of her hands from the restraints and grabs the phone from the hands of the masked leader which shocks just about everyone in the room. However, she doesn’t immediately scream into the phone for help; instead after she rips the gag out of her mouth she hangs up on the phone.
SHE-STEVIE: You don’t have to convince me of shit. You had me at destroying the Stevies. Just promise me one thing, when it comes down to it I get to kick that Stevie right in the balls as hard as fucking possible.
Everyone in the room goes from complete and utter shock, to laughing in a matter of seconds. After a moment of a good belly laugh, they all calm down.
SHE-STEVIE: It’s time for the Beloved Order of Alans to win the war. Also, what’s the deal with the walls? Those walls are really wiggling aren’t they, is that like some sort of freaky pattern or something?
The members of the Beloved Order of Alans begin to celebrate with their newest and probably only female member as we fade to black.
And why’s that?
Because this is the annual Secret of Society Chili Cook-Off, motherfuckers! There’s a lot more to this than a whole bunch of Stevies eating chili too, there’s Stevies grilling, there’s Stevies chilling and then there’s Stevie Satisfaction who is just trying to survive. The painful experience of this place weighs heavy on his face, but it’s only about to get worse. Another Stevie, this one wearing a ‘Kiss the Cook’ grilling apron, makes his way towards him.
CHILI-STEVIE: Have you tried my chili yet, Stevies? I’m thinking there’s no way in hell that I’m going to lose this cook-off. I got the perfect blend of spices, beans, onions and of course my secret ingredient. Sixteenth ranked Stevie in the world, here I come!
The other Stevies standing around our Stevie all look up and acknowledge Chili-Stevie. Our Stevie rolls his eyes and attempts to drown himself with whatever is in his red solo cup.
OUR-STEVIE: Let me guess, your secret ingredient is love.
CHILI-STEVIE: How’d you know?
OUR-STEVIE: It was either that or semen.
Everyone shares a laugh as Chili-Stevie has a bit of a worried look on his face as he walks away. It is at this point that one of the other Stevies begins to force some of the other Stevies standing around to smell his fingers, that’s probably OBGYN Stevie. At this point, our Stevie walks off continuing to drink as much as possible out of his cup on his way to fill up for another round. Our Stevie is stopped in his path by the leader of the Stevies, the owner of the backyard they’re all hanging out in.
STEVIE LEADER: Stevie, hope you’re enjoying the cook-off. We really need to talk about Stevie, the female one, you know the one that I left you a message about. I tried calling the number you gave me, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of her for a couple of days now and I mean I really called her. We’re talking borderline stalker number of calls. I’m kind of worried, because it turns out that she might be a part of this prophecy that we have… so, I guess what I’m saying is that I need you to give her a call.
Our Stevie just sort of stands there as he refills his cup from the keg, he’s only half paying attention and gives the assertive nod.
STEVIE LEADER: Oh good, I think if she saw it was you she might be more apt in answering or returning a message. I think I’m just coming through as spam by now. Plus with the rash of all the bad things that have been happening to the Stevies as of late, we really need to get a hold of her soon. I can’t believe we’ve lost three more.
That last bit from the leader of Stevies grabs the attention of our Stevie. He pulls his face away from his red solo cup long enough to ask a really important question.
OUR-STEVIE: Three more Stevies gone? So, does that mean I’m now the three hundred and sixteenth ranked Stevie?
STEVIE LEADER: Well, I haven’t really updated the rankings in the past couple of days. But, I really need you to get a hold of her, can I count on you to do that for me?
Once again Stevie only gives a single nod, half paying attention. It’s at this moment that this conversation is interrupted by OBGYN Stevie who waves his fingers in front of the face of the leader of the Stevies, probably in an attempt to move up in the rankings some more himself. He then wanders away.
STEVIE LEADER: Oh, I watched your wrestling match against that Wolf guy, it was… was… entertaining. Not really my thing, but entertaining. I don’t know what a steel cage match is, but it sure sounds like it could be dangerous. So, I can count on you to do that? It would really mean a lot to us, and to your ranking.
Stevie again nods as he takes a long chug of his beer, but when that last part hits he pulls his face out of the beer once again.
OUR-STEVIE: You can count on me, I always show up.
Stevie downs the rest of his drink as he begins to stumble around the rest of the party, trying to mingle with the dozens and dozens of other Stevies that are hanging around trying all the various chili that has been made.
A couple of days later, after all the chili has worked its way out of everyone’s system, we can hear the voice of very feisty Stevie Satisfaction.
“Cameraman Curt, are you ready to roll? I’m ready to unload, I can’t wait any longer and I’m not talking about the chili.”
The camera is picked up and an extremely anxious Stevie is ready to go, he is already pacing and twitching as he walks back and forth. He starts to say something, but then stops thinking about his words for one last moment and then he goes.
“Here’s a question I get a lot, what do you consider disrespectful? You’d think that someone like me would have a list longer than my Johnson on hand ready to whip out at a moment’s notice like my… well, you get the idea. But you know what? I actually had to think about what I consider to be disrespectful. In fact, I had to think about it for a while there but then I finally came up with the best answer for that question.
So, here’s what I consider to be the most disrespectful thing possible.
Not showing up.
That’s it, that’s what I consider to be the most disrespectful… not showing up.”
Stevie stops for a moment, but then he continues with the pacing back and forth.
“And you’re probably thinking, Stevie there’s so many other things in this world that you should probably find disrespectful. So, let me explain… in my world showing up is everything. Because if you don’t show up there can be no follow through, and that’s downright disrespectful.
We can sit here and talk shit about each other on all of the platforms in the world, but in the end it comes down to one simple thing, the follow through. Standing across the ring from that other person and proving that you have the follow through with what you said. Me? I always show up, proof in point, Morbid Wolf. He actually thought he was going to beat my ass so bad that I’d leave professional wrestling forever. He actually thought that I’d end up like his mother, sucking dick for cocaine on some random street corner. But could he follow that through?
Nope.
I’m sure he’ll still be the most popular player on his Minecraft server moving forward. But to me? Morbid Wolf’s a chump with no follow through, who could never stop me from anything including me driving his head into the canvas. That’s what I do to those that are disrespectful folks, I drop them to the ground.”
Stevie points to the ground in front of his feet and for the first time he gives a little bit of a smirk towards Cameraman Curt. Stevie motions for Curt to move a little bit forward to get a nice framing shot of his face.
“And that brings us to Shawn Savage, the man who spit White Claw in the face of yours truly and cost me the Revival championship. Not only that, but he also cost me the opportunity to take the heavyweight title from Donnie Harris. Now you might be asking yourself, did I find that disrespectful? Not in the least, see I would have done the exact damn same thing if I could stomach the flavor of that white trash piss water.
So, what is it that I do find disrespectful about Shawn Savage? Not showing up, no follow through. What do I mean by that? This Indiana slack jawed yokel made the biggest move in the ladder match of Revival and then followed it up with… with… a loss to Goth. And I know what you’re thinking, ‘but Stevie, he and Goth went forty five minutes in an absolute banger of a match on Danger’. Yeah, and he still lost that match. First, it takes anyone from Indiana at least forty five minutes to do anything… Shawn, try this math problem, two plus two. I’ll see you in at least forty five minutes. Second, he lost to Goth. Did I say that already? Too bad, because if you’re from Indiana I’m probably going to need to say at least three more times and with a ‘I just made out with my cousin’ accent.
Where was I? Oh yeah, no follow through.
And I find that completely, unequivocally, one hundred percent fucking disrespectful.
Now they’re going to lock the two of us inside of a steel cage, tempting us to tear each other limb from limb. Had you just left it at the spitting of White Claw in my face, I probably would’ve taken it easy on you. But then there’s that whole disrespect thing. So, I have no choice but to give into that temptation and give the blood thirsty fans what they want. Make no mistake about it, I’m going to send you back down to the largest outdoor toilet of the United States, Indiana, in little bloody chunks. When I’m done with you, there won’t be enough of you left to bury you inside a can of White Claw. The only regret that I’ll have with that is there won’t be a proper grave for me to stop by in the future to take a piss on. But, I’m sure your mom is still available for that?
Don’t disrespect Stevie, don’t ever disrespect Stevie.”
Cameraman Curt pans away and fades to black as Stevie walks away.
When the scene comes back into focus, it is something out of a dream or better yet something out of a nightmare. Something not even Lovecraft could not have cooked up in all of his cocaine powered writing sessions, there are carvings on the walls that give the brain the wiggles just looking at them. Standing before those walls are a number of masked individuals in yellow and white robes, the one in the center has the biggest mask of them all and stands with their arms stretched out to the sky.
GUY: Brothers of the Beloved Order of Alans, we have gathered here tonight in order to offer up the sacrifice to the Crawling Chaos in order to finally sway the balance in the eternal war against the Stevies in our favor!
There are cheers that arise from the other masked figures, the guy with the biggest mask waves his arms to the cheers before doing his best to quiet them down.
GUY: Behold, the sacrifice! To the Stevies, she is their prophecy, but to us she will be the tipping point!
Sure enough as the camera pans backwards, bound to a wooden chair and gagged is Stevie. Not our Stevie, rather the female Stevie. She does her best to try and wiggle and get herself free from the duct tape on her wrists, but there is no hope for freedom. Just then one of the masked individuals steps forward and takes off their mask.
GUY#2: Wait, wait, hold up. We’re not really about to commit murder here tonight, are we?
The leader guy steps forward as well. The two meet at the chair where Stevie is tied up and trying to speak beyond the gag in her mouth. The leader places his hands on her shoulders trying to calm her down a little.
GUY: No, not at all. All we need to do is to convince her to quit the Secret Society of Stevies and join the Beloved Order of Alans. I figure that her doing that will cause a whole bunch of those virgin Stevies to quit and we’ll have way more members just in time for the Society Olympics. And that’ll mean victory for the Alans, baby.
There are more cheers from the masked on-lookers, including the one that stepped forward. Just then the leader again urges them to hush, as they do the sounds of a buzzing from a phone can be heard.
GUY: I think her phone is ringing…
He reaches down and picks it up, reading the name on the phone before putting the phone on speaker. The voice that comes through from the other end is none other than that from Stevie Satisfaction.
OUR-STEVIE: Yo, Stevie. Let me be a little more clear with that, it’s your favorite Stevie from that Secret Society of Stevie thing. You know, the one that left you satisfied and all. Well, I was asked to check in on you and make sure that everything’s okay with you because the rest of the Stevies are lonely… no, are worried that something might have happened to you. So, are you good?
There’s a pause waiting for a response from her.
OUR-STEVIE: Hello? I take it you’re shocked that you’re hearing from me, the greatest and most satisfying night of your life.
It’s at this point that the Stevie in question has been able to free one of her hands from the restraints and grabs the phone from the hands of the masked leader which shocks just about everyone in the room. However, she doesn’t immediately scream into the phone for help; instead after she rips the gag out of her mouth she hangs up on the phone.
SHE-STEVIE: You don’t have to convince me of shit. You had me at destroying the Stevies. Just promise me one thing, when it comes down to it I get to kick that Stevie right in the balls as hard as fucking possible.
Everyone in the room goes from complete and utter shock, to laughing in a matter of seconds. After a moment of a good belly laugh, they all calm down.
SHE-STEVIE: It’s time for the Beloved Order of Alans to win the war. Also, what’s the deal with the walls? Those walls are really wiggling aren’t they, is that like some sort of freaky pattern or something?
The members of the Beloved Order of Alans begin to celebrate with their newest and probably only female member as we fade to black.