Post by Shawn Savage on Aug 13, 2024 12:47:20 GMT -5
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Noun | brain rot
- (slang, derogatory) The degradation of mental faculties, intelligence, common sense, or moral character… Or a writer dealing with the constant pressure of having to live down to an unbearably low standard.
White Claw, Indiana. It’s that pearl you’re hoping to find under a gigantic heap of slag, that little bit of copium that you push upon yourself just to keep going despite there being little to nothing to really be hopeful about, let alone proud of.
But how baby Obelix fell into a cauldron of magical drink to make him super powerful, the infant shape of our hero Shawn Savage fell into a cauldron of hard liquor and pure unfiltered, 100% uncut copium.
Two matches, two failures, yet like the cockroach that keeps spawning the next generation of critters, Shawn kept sticking to the bootheel of the people that pounded him down, somehow surprising all of them with his continued existence, his continued stupidity, his seemingly continued hatred for all that is sensible in this world due to an obnoxious amount of desire to impress a completely uninterested girlboss that takes the form of Britlyn Baylor.
There’d be tumblr fanfics written about what some would call an awkwardly endearing quest for ‘da poon’, whilst scholars would study the toxic nature of hypermasculinity and pursuing coitus with someone who has, multiple times over now, made her disinterest extremely clear.
Everyone else would find it really stupid, and a bit contrived at that.
For the people hoping for all of this to end, they would have to be disappointed because nothing truly ever ends in the world of Shawn Savage, it just evolves like a Pokémon who is only there to round out the collection, who in every other situation would be sent straight back to the box it belongs in never to be seen again.
“I don’t know a shit what they’re saying, but man the Japanese make some killer fucking food, bro.” Shawn chimes as he devours a very American ‘California Roll’, making little weird noises like a guinea pig that just had its first taste of a cucumber treat.
“Word, brosef. This shit is tighter than whale taint, and probably five times as delicious.” His childhood friend, HYPE Moses chimed right back.
Using his arm to wipe his mouth, all Shawn did is smear the mayonnaise further across his face. Pausing for a second, he’d let out a guttural burp before downing half a can of the delectable delicacy of ‘White Claw’ down his gullet.
“You’re welcome by the way, spend some big money to get this chef cook guy all the way here to make some of this stuff, he served some real OG’s like Drake and Tom Cruise I hear. You know, living it up like they do in the cities, maybe it’ll make me all cultured and shit, that’ll be my next step to impress her, show it’s not all just shake shack and Denny’s, but that I know my way around some fine food.”
“Big up my homie, Dr. Kawashima you make the realest shit this side of the Mississipi, my dog!” he’d call out to the chef, who frankly looked equal parts unimpressed as well as moderately depressed at having to serve a trailer park of people with his finest meals.
But they’d probably were happy with the massive cheque that he’d been given for his services, so the soul crushing was evened out by the wallet stuffing.
“<<<I hope you choke on these disgusting meals that I let my interns create you, you dumb disrespectful idiots. I wouldn’t even feed this to stray dogs.>>>” they’d speak in Japanese with a bow and something that could easily be construed as a shit-eating grin that could rival both HYPE and Shawn.
Both Shawn and HYPE seemed moved by the words, despite not speaking a word of Japanese.
“Word, my man over here speaks like a poet!” Shawn replied with a hand on his heart, before taking that hand to the dodgy looking slice of ‘wagyu’ beef to devour. “I never knew this wrestling shit worked up an appetite like this, man.” he’d add.
“I do keep wondering if there’s something else I am forgetting about, HYPE.” Shawn wondered out loud as he further slorped down more roughly sliced off-cuts made by the pro chef’s interns.
HYPE nods a little as he continued chomping down on his own, grabbing another can of the Claw to wash it all down. “Well, you know, there is that match with Stevie Satisfaction you have to deal with tonight?” HYPE remarked.
Shawn would nod sagely as he stayed silent and simply let the words sink, at least half a minute would go by before his eyes grew wide at the implication.
“Wait, match?! Since when?” he’d ask sounding distressed.
“One of those security dudes of the boss lady told me after your match with Goth, I remember mentioning it… I think? But you were pretty out of it, and then there was that ten day trip you went on to source the Iron Chef so you could impress boss lady. HYPE said as he drank from his drink like a drinker would drink drank.
“… Right… Yeah… Ok…” Shawn answered in mild perturbance, grabbing another sushi roll from the table that had the sun beating down on it for the entire day. “Who was Stevie Satisfaction again?” he’d ask.
HYPE waved his hands to signal that it wasn’t that important. “I mean you spat white claw into his eyes and they lost the chance to become a champion, just like you. So that hoe is just jealous that you’re the cooler alliteration in the company… That Steel Cage match is practically yours, my man, you’ll just crip your way out of the door and go on to better things.”
Shawn nodded as they once more spent half a minute in silent contemplation, not noticing the chef deciding to pack things up in something of a hurry as people around Shawn and HYPE were slowly starting to realize that the raw fish wasn’t landing the way good fish usually landed.
“Wait, a Cage Match?! Like the ones with the cage and the whole “You’re not leaving until one of you has taken literal years of their careers” kind of cage match thing?” Shawn said, once again surprised at finding out last minute.
Once more HYPE waved the fears away in a way that only someone that didn’t have to wrestle the actual match would. “Don’t worry my dude, you’re the Trailer Park Messiah, the White Claw Assassin. You’re going to go in there and surprise everyone, just like you did against that weirdo Goth, and in that ladder match. There’s nobody that could beat you.” he said, to the person that at this point in his life had only beat himself (in multiple ways) rather than beating someone opposite to him (no cap).
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Why do I even worry, I need to go like, write this stuff down, though…”
“What? The match?”
“Nah man, the food, maybe after the match Brit will want to go with me on an all-exclusive sea-food experience, to show her that I am a real classy mofo.”
“Aight, I hear ya, and then at the end of the night you’ll go down for that other sea-food experience, amirite!” HYPE said with a dumb grin.
At the sight of half the trailer park rushing for the singular toilet in the area, the two partners in crime bump fists ahead of what would undoubtedly be the next step in the story of Shawn Savage, the foolproof fool who didn’t need a plan in his life to achieve anything…
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