Post by Shawn Savage on Aug 27, 2024 12:25:28 GMT -5
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Jersey, the land of wherever people live who actually work in New York and still act like they’re from New York. It is here that this week our heroic and dapper protagonist spreads his wings in his continued quest for ‘da pussay’ and not getting his scrawny ass kicked ten ways from Sunday by any given opponent.
One would almost find it admirable, that with such little talent and such little success they hadn’t simply thrown in the towel on their foolish wrestling endeavour and simply went back to their trailer park and millions of lottery money to do other things, like lobster breeding or become a rodeo clown.
The truth is, the thought had never crossed Shawn Savage’s mind, not that such a situation was either unique or uncommon. The bravest amongst us all are the dumbest, and through that equation Shawn Savage might be the bravest person in the entire world.
“EY YO, HYPE, WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT, BRO?!” the self-proclaimed “Protagonist of Professional Wrestling” blared out at full pelt across a busy New Jersey street.
“EY, SHUT YO FUCKIN’ MOUTH YOU FUCKIN’ FUCKNUT, I’M TRYING TO ROB A FUCKIN’ LIQUOR STORE AND YOU’RE BREAKING MY FUCKIN’ CONCENTRATION!” a fat overweight teamster called right back.
Shawn, if only because he cared only for himself, HYPE, and chasing tail, would ignore the call and simply continue to stumble around aimlessly across the sidewalk as intelligible Jersey conversations flooded into his ears.
It didn’t help that Shawn was both drunk and fighting a hangover at the same time, as he and HYPE had found themselves crawling from bar to bar, with occasional moments of lucid walking and/or stumbling to break the monotony of actually crawling.
He only barely reaches the next bar when he meets HYPE by way of him getting thrown straight into him out of a drinking establishment.
“Come back when you’re not drunk or gropey, buddy.” the bouncer called out as they let in a few more patrons on this busy Jersey evening.
“Oh hey, HYPE. Where the fuck you were at?” Shawn asked as he shoved HYPE’s carcass off of him and onto the pavement, getting up and extending a hand.
“You won’t believe what I saw, man. That Lesbian bar is a deathtrap, it doesn’t have a fire escape!” HYPE rambled, probably already lost in drunken thoughts. “Oh, and apparently lesbians don’t find it cool when I offer them a ride on the HYPE-train, they don’t even know who Shawn Savage is, or that I am your childhood homedog!” HYPE continued to ramble on as he slowly worked his way up to his feet stumbling and fumbling around like a baby that had just learned to walk before being fed a quart of absinthe.
With both of them standing, Shawn’s world seemed to spin slightly less than his comrade’s, but both still made sure to hold onto a metal barrier to steady themselves and not fall right back over.
“So when is the training starting?”
“The what?!” HYPE asked whilst yelling at the top of his lungs, if only because they had lost their volume control in the past hours.
“The training… for the match… against the guy that wants to kick my fucking head into the ground really hard?!” Shawn continued, adding some much needed info for HYPE to parse.
“Training?!” they questioned again loudly.
“Remember when you went into the bosslady’s office to talk her into dating me, and the big dude broke your skull with the fire-extinguisher… And how I now have to face some dude that wants to kill me because they take their trade too seriously?”
A silence befell the two as HYPE seemed to ponder over something, maybe even the question.
“Yeah, that chick got me rock hard, man.”
“Yeah… And you told me the day after that you were going to give me special training to get me prepared to finally get bosslady to see how much of a fucking G I am.”
“Ohhhh… Right… Yeah, that training… Yeah I fucking have nothing, man. I am your hypeman, you want me to fucking talk to you to victory I can make you the mfing world champion with just a microphone and spitting blazing hot shit that will make any mfer run away from you before the bell can even ring, my dude. But teaching you how to wrestle, nah man, you need like… a wrestler or some shit to train you or some shit…”
HYPE paused as Shawn seemed to go silent as they were barely coherent enough to understand what HYPE had just told him, let alone get angry about being led onto a drunken goose chase the night before the big match.
But just as Shawn was about to speak, HYPE had an idea. “Wait, ain’t that dude that protects the bosslady a wrestler?! Maybe you can ask HIM to teach you some shit, and maybe he can give you the deet-deets on how to unlock the lock to that bosslady coochie coochie, my dog!” he’d say, letting out a disgusting burp just as a flock of women passes them.
With the sight of HYPE smiling like a wolf on horse tranquilizers, the women need no second chance to walk a little bit faster to the better part of the district.
“I could do that, I guess. But there’s this issue that I need to fight that dude like tomorrow night, and remember that he wants to kick my fucking head in or some shit? So I don’t know if he’s cool about teaching me how to beat him or some shit, so maybe I just need like… To find some other dude, like some Yoda Mr. Miyagi dude to teach me how to kung fu chicken that mfer’s head into a drywall like that one action dude in the film.” Shawn continues as his arms get tired and he slowly slides down the barrier and takes a seat.
HYPE, perhaps feeling invited to join him, joins him in sitting down next to him as they barely seemed to be part of this world, let alone the next.
“Right, but what if you my dude beats that dude and whip him like the bitch he is, and maybe once he’s whipped he’ll try to train you anyways to teach you how to beat him, that way you can beat him after beating him, and maybe then you’re good enough to beat him… Or… I don’t know, my head is kinda fucked up right now from all the booze we’ve been drinking, Shawn. Maybe you should like, call the homies to pick us up so we can puke into the river, maybe that’ll give us some better ideas, man?”
Shawn nods, heaving a little bit as he just barely teeters the line between staying full and spilling all the alcohol onto the pavement and everywhere else that is in range. Grabbing his phone, he speed dials one of the homies.
“You know what, maybe tomorrow we can like… Do something for the lady, and maybe she can tell the dude to murder me a little bit less, yeah? Then maybe I can start to figure out this wrestling thing, and start doing that winning thing that people talk about. Cause, you know, if my amazing personality ain’t helping, then maybe that bosslady will be impressed when I start winning, and in turn win her heart like a proper G-entleman, ya kno?
A pause befalls them as they wait.
“Then again, I don’t know these city ladies, man. They cold, but hot too man.”
HYPE had already passed out, but would snap out of it just for a split second.
“Hey yo, I know. What if we ask that Britt lady’s bodyguard to teach you?!” HYPE repeated obliviously.
Shawn sighed as he dropped his head back against the guardrail.
“Fuck it, I’ll just fuck around and find out tomorrow like I always do, my man…”
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