Post by capello on Aug 27, 2024 20:12:33 GMT -5
Scene fades in from black to a sweeping aerial shot of a grand library, filled with towering bookshelves and scholars engrossed in study. The camera glides through the aisles before settling on a large, dusty tome entitled “The History of Dumb Bitches.” The book opens on its own, flipping through pages of ancient text and illustrations.
[Narrator Voiceover, deep and serious]:
“In the annals of human history, countless figures have shaped the world we live in today. Heroes and villains, saints and sinners, thinkers and… well, those who thought less. Among these, there exists a misunderstood archetype, one that has endured the test of time, transcending cultures and epochs: the ‘dumb bitch.’”
Cut to black-and-white footage of an ancient civilization, where a toga-clad woman is seen fumbling with a scroll, much to the exasperation of the men around her. The camera zooms in on her innocent, yet bewildered expression.
[Narrator]:
“But who, or what, is a ‘dumb bitch’? Is she merely a product of her own folly, or a victim of society’s harsh judgment? To understand, we must journey back to the very beginning…”
The screen fills with a timeline that spans from prehistory to the present day, highlighting key moments in “dumb bitch” history. The timeline stops at “10,000 B.C.,” and the scene transitions to a caveman-era setting.
[Segment Title: The First Dumb Bitch]
Cut to a cavewoman struggling to make fire, surrounded by fellow cave dwellers who shake their heads in disapproval. One caveman points to a burning tree outside the cave, clearly frustrated. The cavewoman looks sheepishly at the camera, holding two rocks that she’s been banging together.
[Narrator]:
“10,000 B.C. The dawn of human civilization. In the early days, survival was paramount, and the roles within society were rigidly defined. Yet even then, there existed individuals who, through sheer determination or perhaps a lack of awareness, defied expectations. It is here that we find the first recorded instance of what historians have come to recognize as the ‘proto-dumb bitch.’”
(Cut to an “expert” interview with a serious-looking anthropologist, sitting in a cluttered office filled with skull replicas and ancient tools.)
[Dr. Rebecca Smart, Anthropologist]:
“Early records—mostly cave paintings and stone carvings—indicate that certain individuals, typically female, were singled out for their apparent lack of survival skills. This is what we now term as ‘proto-dumb bitch behavior.’ However, it’s important to note that these behaviors might have simply been early forms of nonconformity, misunderstood by their peers.”
Cut back to the cavewoman, who has now accidentally set her fur wrap on fire while attempting to light the fire. The others quickly rush to put it out, shaking their heads once again.
[Narrator]:
“Though primitive and rudimentary, this behavior would set the stage for millennia of misinterpretation and judgment. From Eve to Cleopatra, and beyond, the lineage of the ‘dumb bitch’ would continue, evolving with the times yet always remaining a figure of controversy.”
The scene fades out as the cavewoman is left holding the two smoldering rocks, looking confused but determined.
[Narrator]:
“Now I’m sure you’re wondering back home if a dumb bitch can only be a female….no no no….and dumb bitches can also reach great heights…..let us explore that….
The scene opens with a dramatic reenactment of ancient Rome. Sweeping shots of the Roman Forum, grand statues, and bustling streets are shown as the music swells, capturing the might of the Roman Empire.
[Narrator]:
“Few figures in history have commanded the power and respect of Gaius Julius Caesar, a man whose name would echo through the ages. A brilliant general, a shrewd politician, a conqueror of lands, and yet… perhaps history’s most famous dumb bitch.”
Cut to a reenactment of Julius Caesar (played by an actor with a comically exaggerated, smug expression), striding confidently through the Senate. He greets the senators with grand gestures, clearly basking in his own importance.
[Narrator]:
“Caesar was many things: ambitious, charismatic, and undoubtedly brilliant in many ways. But even the greatest minds are not immune to the follies of hubris. Caesar’s tragic flaw was his unshakeable belief that he was invincible, a belief that would lead to one of history’s most infamous ‘dumb bitch’ moments.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a stern-looking historian, sitting in a lavish office decorated with Roman artifacts.
[Dr. Octavia Marcus, Roman Historian]:
“Caesar’s decision to ignore the numerous warnings about his impending assassination is a classic example of what we now refer to as ‘Caesar Syndrome.’ Despite multiple omens, prophecies, and even direct threats, Caesar continued to believe that no harm could come to him. This level of overconfidence is a hallmark of the ‘dumb bitch.’”
Cut back to the reenactment. Caesar is seen casually dismissing a soothsayer who warns him to “Beware the Ides of March.” The soothsayer shakes his head in exasperation as Caesar winks at the camera.
[Narrator]:
“It is said that a true ‘dumb bitch’ is one who walks blindly into their own downfall, despite all signs pointing to disaster. And so, on the Ides of March, 44 B.C., Caesar strode into the Senate, confident in his untouchable status, only to be met with the cold reality of betrayal.”
Dramatic slow-motion footage shows Caesar entering the Senate, the senators giving him suspicious looks. The camera zooms in on his face as he suddenly realizes that maybe, just maybe, he should have paid attention to those warnings.
[Narrator]:
“One could argue that Caesar’s tragic end was inevitable, the culmination of a life spent tempting fate. But what truly cements him in the annals of ‘dumb bitch’ history is his final, pitiful plea: ‘Et tu, Brute?’ A phrase that would echo through the centuries as the quintessential cry of the utterly blindsided.”
The reenactment shows Caesar collapsing dramatically, clutching his toga, as Brutus and the other senators close in. The scene freezes in place, with a caption reading: “Julius Caesar, 100 B.C. - 44 B.C. Officially Too Dumb to Live.”
[Narrator]:
“Julius Caesar: a man who conquered Gaul, reshaped the Roman Republic, and forever altered the course of history. And yet, for all his achievements, he remains a cautionary tale—a reminder that no one, not even a man who would be king, is immune from becoming the ultimate ‘dumb bitch.
Yes you now know of early examples of a dumb bitch….what about a variant who combines delusional thought with dumb bitch antics? Next we will learn about the greatest sidekick in history.”
Scene opens with a wide shot of a grand military campaign, complete with soldiers marching in formation, banners fluttering in the wind, and a heroic general leading the charge. The camera pans to the general, a figure exuding confidence and command, before slowly zooming in on a bumbling man beside him—a portly lieutenant who’s clearly out of his depth but brimming with self-importance.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a slight hint of amusement]:
“In the heat of battle, leadership is crucial. A great leader can inspire troops to victory, while a poor one… well, they often end up as a footnote in history. But what happens when a sidekick, blinded by their own delusions of grandeur, begins to believe they are the true leader? Enter Lieutenant Horatio Figgins, history’s most laughable dumb bitch.”
Cut to a reenactment of Lieutenant Horatio Figgins (played by an actor with a comically puffed-up chest and an absurdly elaborate uniform), awkwardly trying to mimic the general’s confident stride. He waves imperiously at the soldiers, who exchange confused glances.
[Narrator]:
“Lieutenant Figgins served under General Percival Strongarm during the Great War of 1812. While General Strongarm was a seasoned tactician and beloved by his men, Figgins… was not. But what he lacked in competence, he made up for with an unshakable belief that he, not Strongarm, was the real leader of the campaign.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a military historian, standing in front of a painting depicting a chaotic battlefield.
[Professor Reginald Hawthorne, Military Historian]:
“Figgins is a classic example of what we now term ‘Sidekick Syndrome.’ Despite his low rank and lack of any discernible leadership skills, he genuinely believed that he was the mastermind behind the army’s successes. In reality, he was often just in the right place at the wrong time—or the wrong place at the right time, depending on how you look at it.”
Cut back to the reenactment. Figgins is seen addressing the troops with a pompous speech, clearly plagiarized from one of General Strongarm’s previous addresses. The soldiers listen with a mix of confusion and barely-contained laughter. Meanwhile, General Strongarm stands off to the side, arms crossed, looking both amused and slightly irritated.
[Narrator]:
“Figgins’ delusions of grandeur came to a head during the Battle of Ramshackle Hill, where he decided to take matters into his own hands. Convinced that his moment of glory had arrived, he ordered the troops to follow his brilliant new strategy, completely ignoring General Strongarm’s carefully laid plans.”
The reenactment shows Figgins confidently leading a charge… directly into a mud pit. The troops, following his orders, slip and slide, their advance completely stalled. General Strongarm facepalms in the background as the enemy forces look on in baffled disbelief.
[Narrator]:
“Figgins’ ‘leadership’ led to one of the most embarrassing defeats in the history of the war. The Battle of Ramshackle Hill would go down in history as a textbook example of what happens when a dumb bitch mistakes their position for power.”
Cut to a scene where Figgins is being “debriefed” by General Strongarm after the disastrous battle. Figgins is attempting to justify his actions with increasingly ludicrous explanations, while Strongarm listens with a mixture of incredulity and resignation.
[Narrator]:
“Despite his monumental blunder, Figgins never wavered in his belief that he was destined for greatness. He continued to serve as a ‘leader’—at least in his own mind—until the end of the war, when he was quietly reassigned to a desk job far away from the front lines.”
The reenactment ends with Figgins being shown to his new “command”—a tiny, cluttered office filled with paperwork. He looks around with bewilderment, still not fully understanding how he ended up there.
[Narrator]:
“Lieutenant Horatio Figgins: a man who dreamed of glory, only to find himself in the annals of history as a prime example of misplaced confidence. A sidekick who thought he was a leader, and in doing so, secured his place as one of history’s most oblivious dumb bitches.”
The scene fades out as Figgins is shown attempting to file a stack of papers, struggling even with this simple task, while the camera zooms in on the plaque above his desk: ‘Lt. Horatio Figgins - Office Administrator.’
Scene opens with a gritty, sepia-toned montage of the Wild West: dusty streets, tumbleweeds rolling by, saloons filled with grizzled cowboys, and wanted posters fluttering in the wind. The camera zooms in on a particularly menacing-looking wanted poster that reads: “Mad Dog McAllister - Wanted Dead or Alive.” The image of McAllister is that of a stern, steely-eyed outlaw with a bushy mustache, wearing a black hat and a long coat.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a gritty, Western drawl]:
“In the lawless frontier of the Wild West, reputation was everything. Legends were made by the quickest draw, the deadliest aim, and the coldest heart. But for every true gunslinger, there was someone who only thought they were a badass. And none were more misguided than the infamous ‘Mad Dog’ McAllister, a dumb bitch who thought he was the meanest hombre this side of the Mississippi.”
Cut to a reenactment of “Mad Dog” McAllister (played by an actor with an exaggerated swagger, constantly twirling his revolver and sneering at everyone around him). He strides into a dusty town, spurs clinking with every step, trying his hardest to look menacing.
[Narrator]:
“Born Stanley McAllister, this wannabe outlaw wasn’t exactly cut out for the rough-and-tumble life of the Wild West. But that didn’t stop him from trying to convince everyone—especially himself—that he was the baddest of them all. With a gun he barely knew how to use and a nickname he gave himself, McAllister set out to make his mark on history… and failed spectacularly.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a Western historian, standing in front of an old saloon, complete with swinging doors and a weathered sign.
[Dr. Abigail Rivers, Western Historian]:
“Mad Dog McAllister is a classic case of overcompensation. He had all the bravado of a true gunslinger but none of the skill. His attempts to build a fearsome reputation were undermined by his complete incompetence. The stories that survive about him are more about his failures than any actual badassery.”
Cut back to the reenactment. McAllister is seen practicing his gun draw in front of a mirror, fumbling with his revolver and nearly shooting himself in the foot. Despite his clear lack of skill, he grins at his reflection, convinced he looks terrifying.
[Narrator]:
“McAllister’s reputation, such as it was, was built on tall tales and bluster. He claimed to have robbed trains, fought off entire posses, and escaped from the law dozens of times. But the truth? He was more likely to shoot his own boot than hit a target.”
The reenactment shows McAllister entering a saloon, swaggering up to the bar. He loudly demands a drink “on the house,” attempting to intimidate the bartender, who just rolls his eyes and reluctantly pours a drink. Nearby patrons snicker into their glasses.
[Narrator]:
“But the moment that truly cemented McAllister’s place in the dumb bitch hall of fame came during his infamous showdown with the real outlaw, Dead-Eye Jenkins—a man whose reputation was anything but fabricated.”
The scene transitions to a tense showdown on the dusty main street of the town. McAllister stands at one end, nervously eyeing Dead-Eye Jenkins at the other. The townsfolk gather around, whispering to each other and placing bets on how quickly McAllister will lose.
[Narrator]:
“Convinced that this was his moment to prove himself, McAllister challenged Dead-Eye to a duel. Unfortunately for him, reality quickly set in. Dead-Eye was no stranger to gunfights, and as it turns out, McAllister was no stranger to backing down.”
The reenactment shows McAllister’s hand trembling as he reaches for his gun. Just as he’s about to draw, he panics, drops the gun, and then scrambles to pick it up while Dead-Eye calmly watches. The townsfolk burst into laughter as McAllister stumbles and falls face-first into the dirt.
[Narrator]:
“Mad Dog McAllister’s attempt to be the ultimate badass ended in humiliation. Dead-Eye didn’t even bother to fire a shot—he just walked away, shaking his head, leaving McAllister to pick himself up from the dirt, his pride and reputation shattered.”
Cut to the aftermath, where McAllister, now covered in dust and sporting a black eye from his own misfire, is being laughed out of town. He slinks away, trying to hold onto whatever dignity he has left, but failing miserably.
[Narrator]:
“Stanley ‘Mad Dog’ McAllister: a man who talked big but couldn’t back it up. He learned the hard way that being a badass isn’t about how you look or what you say—it’s about what you can actually do. And in the end, McAllister was just another dumb bitch who let his ego write checks his skills couldn’t cash.”
The scene fades out with a close-up of McAllister’s wanted poster, now defaced with graffiti and a drawing of a clown face over his portrait. The camera pulls back to show it blowing away in the wind, disappearing into the desert.
The next scene opens in a dimly lit, shadowy room with a single spotlight illuminating a sleek, leather armchair. The camera pans down to reveal Alessia Capello, seated with a confident and slightly disdainful expression. She’s dressed in her wrestling gear, her bull mask resting on the arm of the chair, symbolizing the fierce persona she adopts in the ring.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a more serious tone]:
“The legacy of dumb bitches isn’t confined to the pages of history. Even in modern times, they walk among us—oblivious to their own shortcomings, blinded by delusions of grandeur. Who better to explain this phenomenon than Alessia Capello, a woman who has faced her fair share of them in the wrestling ring?”
The camera zooms in on Alessia, her eyes narrowing slightly as she begins to speak, her voice dripping with a mixture of contempt and amusement.
[Alessia Capello]:
“When you’ve been around the block as many times as I have, you learn to spot a dumb bitch from a mile away. They’re everywhere, lurking in the shadows, convinced they’re something they’re not. And my upcoming opponent, Scotty Thorne? He embodies everything it means to be a dumb bitch.”
Cut to a brief montage of Scotty Thorne’s past antics—showing him in over-the-top, exaggerated promos, flexing his muscles, and shouting catchphrases that never quite catch on. He’s shown being easily outmaneuvered in past matches, but still posing triumphantly afterward as if he won.
[Alessia Capello]:
“Scotty’s the type of guy who thinks that yelling louder makes you tougher. He believes that if he says he’s unstoppable enough times, it’ll magically become true. But here’s the thing: there’s a fine line between confidence and being a dumb bitch. Scotty crossed that line a long time ago, and he’s been running his mouth ever since.”
Alessia leans forward slightly, her tone becoming more cutting.
[Alessia Capello]:
“This isn’t just about his lack of skill—though that’s a big part of it. It’s about his refusal to see reality. Scotty’s the kind of guy who’ll walk into a match thinking he’s a god among men, only to find out he’s just another stepping stone on my path to glory. He’s a dumb bitch because he doesn’t realize he’s already lost before the bell even rings.”
Cut to another montage of Scotty Thorne, this time focusing on his misguided attempts to get under Alessia’s skin—trash talk, failed sneak attacks, and ultimately, moments where he’s clearly out of his depth but still grinning like he’s in control.
[Alessia Capello]:
“Thorne likes to play the part of the big, bad villain, but in reality, he’s nothing more than a joke—a punchline waiting to happen. He doesn’t understand that to stand across from me, you need more than bravado. You need talent, intelligence, and a real sense of who you are. Scotty? He’s got none of that. He’s just another dumb bitch who thinks he can outsmart me.”
The camera cuts back to Alessia, who now has a small, knowing smirk on her face.
[Alessia Capello]:
“So, Scotty, when we meet in that ring, don’t be surprised when your little fantasy world comes crashing down. Because while you’ve been busy living in your delusions, I’ve been preparing to make an example out of you. After all, nothing’s more satisfying than putting a dumb bitch in their place.”
The scene fades out, with the camera lingering on Alessia’s confident expression before transitioning to a final shot of Scotty Thorne’s name on a match card, with “DUMB BITCH” stamped across it in bold red letters.
[Narrator]:
“And there you have it—a modern-day dumb bitch, about to be taught a lesson by one of the sharpest minds in the business. It’s a tale as old as time: those who refuse to see their own flaws, who let ego and ignorance guide them, will always find themselves on the losing side. Scotty Thorne is about to learn that the hard way.”
The screen cuts to black, with the sound of a bell ringing in the distance, signaling the start of the impending match.
[Narrator Voiceover, deep and serious]:
“In the annals of human history, countless figures have shaped the world we live in today. Heroes and villains, saints and sinners, thinkers and… well, those who thought less. Among these, there exists a misunderstood archetype, one that has endured the test of time, transcending cultures and epochs: the ‘dumb bitch.’”
Cut to black-and-white footage of an ancient civilization, where a toga-clad woman is seen fumbling with a scroll, much to the exasperation of the men around her. The camera zooms in on her innocent, yet bewildered expression.
[Narrator]:
“But who, or what, is a ‘dumb bitch’? Is she merely a product of her own folly, or a victim of society’s harsh judgment? To understand, we must journey back to the very beginning…”
The screen fills with a timeline that spans from prehistory to the present day, highlighting key moments in “dumb bitch” history. The timeline stops at “10,000 B.C.,” and the scene transitions to a caveman-era setting.
[Segment Title: The First Dumb Bitch]
Cut to a cavewoman struggling to make fire, surrounded by fellow cave dwellers who shake their heads in disapproval. One caveman points to a burning tree outside the cave, clearly frustrated. The cavewoman looks sheepishly at the camera, holding two rocks that she’s been banging together.
[Narrator]:
“10,000 B.C. The dawn of human civilization. In the early days, survival was paramount, and the roles within society were rigidly defined. Yet even then, there existed individuals who, through sheer determination or perhaps a lack of awareness, defied expectations. It is here that we find the first recorded instance of what historians have come to recognize as the ‘proto-dumb bitch.’”
(Cut to an “expert” interview with a serious-looking anthropologist, sitting in a cluttered office filled with skull replicas and ancient tools.)
[Dr. Rebecca Smart, Anthropologist]:
“Early records—mostly cave paintings and stone carvings—indicate that certain individuals, typically female, were singled out for their apparent lack of survival skills. This is what we now term as ‘proto-dumb bitch behavior.’ However, it’s important to note that these behaviors might have simply been early forms of nonconformity, misunderstood by their peers.”
Cut back to the cavewoman, who has now accidentally set her fur wrap on fire while attempting to light the fire. The others quickly rush to put it out, shaking their heads once again.
[Narrator]:
“Though primitive and rudimentary, this behavior would set the stage for millennia of misinterpretation and judgment. From Eve to Cleopatra, and beyond, the lineage of the ‘dumb bitch’ would continue, evolving with the times yet always remaining a figure of controversy.”
The scene fades out as the cavewoman is left holding the two smoldering rocks, looking confused but determined.
[Narrator]:
“Now I’m sure you’re wondering back home if a dumb bitch can only be a female….no no no….and dumb bitches can also reach great heights…..let us explore that….
The scene opens with a dramatic reenactment of ancient Rome. Sweeping shots of the Roman Forum, grand statues, and bustling streets are shown as the music swells, capturing the might of the Roman Empire.
[Narrator]:
“Few figures in history have commanded the power and respect of Gaius Julius Caesar, a man whose name would echo through the ages. A brilliant general, a shrewd politician, a conqueror of lands, and yet… perhaps history’s most famous dumb bitch.”
Cut to a reenactment of Julius Caesar (played by an actor with a comically exaggerated, smug expression), striding confidently through the Senate. He greets the senators with grand gestures, clearly basking in his own importance.
[Narrator]:
“Caesar was many things: ambitious, charismatic, and undoubtedly brilliant in many ways. But even the greatest minds are not immune to the follies of hubris. Caesar’s tragic flaw was his unshakeable belief that he was invincible, a belief that would lead to one of history’s most infamous ‘dumb bitch’ moments.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a stern-looking historian, sitting in a lavish office decorated with Roman artifacts.
[Dr. Octavia Marcus, Roman Historian]:
“Caesar’s decision to ignore the numerous warnings about his impending assassination is a classic example of what we now refer to as ‘Caesar Syndrome.’ Despite multiple omens, prophecies, and even direct threats, Caesar continued to believe that no harm could come to him. This level of overconfidence is a hallmark of the ‘dumb bitch.’”
Cut back to the reenactment. Caesar is seen casually dismissing a soothsayer who warns him to “Beware the Ides of March.” The soothsayer shakes his head in exasperation as Caesar winks at the camera.
[Narrator]:
“It is said that a true ‘dumb bitch’ is one who walks blindly into their own downfall, despite all signs pointing to disaster. And so, on the Ides of March, 44 B.C., Caesar strode into the Senate, confident in his untouchable status, only to be met with the cold reality of betrayal.”
Dramatic slow-motion footage shows Caesar entering the Senate, the senators giving him suspicious looks. The camera zooms in on his face as he suddenly realizes that maybe, just maybe, he should have paid attention to those warnings.
[Narrator]:
“One could argue that Caesar’s tragic end was inevitable, the culmination of a life spent tempting fate. But what truly cements him in the annals of ‘dumb bitch’ history is his final, pitiful plea: ‘Et tu, Brute?’ A phrase that would echo through the centuries as the quintessential cry of the utterly blindsided.”
The reenactment shows Caesar collapsing dramatically, clutching his toga, as Brutus and the other senators close in. The scene freezes in place, with a caption reading: “Julius Caesar, 100 B.C. - 44 B.C. Officially Too Dumb to Live.”
[Narrator]:
“Julius Caesar: a man who conquered Gaul, reshaped the Roman Republic, and forever altered the course of history. And yet, for all his achievements, he remains a cautionary tale—a reminder that no one, not even a man who would be king, is immune from becoming the ultimate ‘dumb bitch.
Yes you now know of early examples of a dumb bitch….what about a variant who combines delusional thought with dumb bitch antics? Next we will learn about the greatest sidekick in history.”
Scene opens with a wide shot of a grand military campaign, complete with soldiers marching in formation, banners fluttering in the wind, and a heroic general leading the charge. The camera pans to the general, a figure exuding confidence and command, before slowly zooming in on a bumbling man beside him—a portly lieutenant who’s clearly out of his depth but brimming with self-importance.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a slight hint of amusement]:
“In the heat of battle, leadership is crucial. A great leader can inspire troops to victory, while a poor one… well, they often end up as a footnote in history. But what happens when a sidekick, blinded by their own delusions of grandeur, begins to believe they are the true leader? Enter Lieutenant Horatio Figgins, history’s most laughable dumb bitch.”
Cut to a reenactment of Lieutenant Horatio Figgins (played by an actor with a comically puffed-up chest and an absurdly elaborate uniform), awkwardly trying to mimic the general’s confident stride. He waves imperiously at the soldiers, who exchange confused glances.
[Narrator]:
“Lieutenant Figgins served under General Percival Strongarm during the Great War of 1812. While General Strongarm was a seasoned tactician and beloved by his men, Figgins… was not. But what he lacked in competence, he made up for with an unshakable belief that he, not Strongarm, was the real leader of the campaign.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a military historian, standing in front of a painting depicting a chaotic battlefield.
[Professor Reginald Hawthorne, Military Historian]:
“Figgins is a classic example of what we now term ‘Sidekick Syndrome.’ Despite his low rank and lack of any discernible leadership skills, he genuinely believed that he was the mastermind behind the army’s successes. In reality, he was often just in the right place at the wrong time—or the wrong place at the right time, depending on how you look at it.”
Cut back to the reenactment. Figgins is seen addressing the troops with a pompous speech, clearly plagiarized from one of General Strongarm’s previous addresses. The soldiers listen with a mix of confusion and barely-contained laughter. Meanwhile, General Strongarm stands off to the side, arms crossed, looking both amused and slightly irritated.
[Narrator]:
“Figgins’ delusions of grandeur came to a head during the Battle of Ramshackle Hill, where he decided to take matters into his own hands. Convinced that his moment of glory had arrived, he ordered the troops to follow his brilliant new strategy, completely ignoring General Strongarm’s carefully laid plans.”
The reenactment shows Figgins confidently leading a charge… directly into a mud pit. The troops, following his orders, slip and slide, their advance completely stalled. General Strongarm facepalms in the background as the enemy forces look on in baffled disbelief.
[Narrator]:
“Figgins’ ‘leadership’ led to one of the most embarrassing defeats in the history of the war. The Battle of Ramshackle Hill would go down in history as a textbook example of what happens when a dumb bitch mistakes their position for power.”
Cut to a scene where Figgins is being “debriefed” by General Strongarm after the disastrous battle. Figgins is attempting to justify his actions with increasingly ludicrous explanations, while Strongarm listens with a mixture of incredulity and resignation.
[Narrator]:
“Despite his monumental blunder, Figgins never wavered in his belief that he was destined for greatness. He continued to serve as a ‘leader’—at least in his own mind—until the end of the war, when he was quietly reassigned to a desk job far away from the front lines.”
The reenactment ends with Figgins being shown to his new “command”—a tiny, cluttered office filled with paperwork. He looks around with bewilderment, still not fully understanding how he ended up there.
[Narrator]:
“Lieutenant Horatio Figgins: a man who dreamed of glory, only to find himself in the annals of history as a prime example of misplaced confidence. A sidekick who thought he was a leader, and in doing so, secured his place as one of history’s most oblivious dumb bitches.”
The scene fades out as Figgins is shown attempting to file a stack of papers, struggling even with this simple task, while the camera zooms in on the plaque above his desk: ‘Lt. Horatio Figgins - Office Administrator.’
Scene opens with a gritty, sepia-toned montage of the Wild West: dusty streets, tumbleweeds rolling by, saloons filled with grizzled cowboys, and wanted posters fluttering in the wind. The camera zooms in on a particularly menacing-looking wanted poster that reads: “Mad Dog McAllister - Wanted Dead or Alive.” The image of McAllister is that of a stern, steely-eyed outlaw with a bushy mustache, wearing a black hat and a long coat.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a gritty, Western drawl]:
“In the lawless frontier of the Wild West, reputation was everything. Legends were made by the quickest draw, the deadliest aim, and the coldest heart. But for every true gunslinger, there was someone who only thought they were a badass. And none were more misguided than the infamous ‘Mad Dog’ McAllister, a dumb bitch who thought he was the meanest hombre this side of the Mississippi.”
Cut to a reenactment of “Mad Dog” McAllister (played by an actor with an exaggerated swagger, constantly twirling his revolver and sneering at everyone around him). He strides into a dusty town, spurs clinking with every step, trying his hardest to look menacing.
[Narrator]:
“Born Stanley McAllister, this wannabe outlaw wasn’t exactly cut out for the rough-and-tumble life of the Wild West. But that didn’t stop him from trying to convince everyone—especially himself—that he was the baddest of them all. With a gun he barely knew how to use and a nickname he gave himself, McAllister set out to make his mark on history… and failed spectacularly.”
Cut to an “expert” interview with a Western historian, standing in front of an old saloon, complete with swinging doors and a weathered sign.
[Dr. Abigail Rivers, Western Historian]:
“Mad Dog McAllister is a classic case of overcompensation. He had all the bravado of a true gunslinger but none of the skill. His attempts to build a fearsome reputation were undermined by his complete incompetence. The stories that survive about him are more about his failures than any actual badassery.”
Cut back to the reenactment. McAllister is seen practicing his gun draw in front of a mirror, fumbling with his revolver and nearly shooting himself in the foot. Despite his clear lack of skill, he grins at his reflection, convinced he looks terrifying.
[Narrator]:
“McAllister’s reputation, such as it was, was built on tall tales and bluster. He claimed to have robbed trains, fought off entire posses, and escaped from the law dozens of times. But the truth? He was more likely to shoot his own boot than hit a target.”
The reenactment shows McAllister entering a saloon, swaggering up to the bar. He loudly demands a drink “on the house,” attempting to intimidate the bartender, who just rolls his eyes and reluctantly pours a drink. Nearby patrons snicker into their glasses.
[Narrator]:
“But the moment that truly cemented McAllister’s place in the dumb bitch hall of fame came during his infamous showdown with the real outlaw, Dead-Eye Jenkins—a man whose reputation was anything but fabricated.”
The scene transitions to a tense showdown on the dusty main street of the town. McAllister stands at one end, nervously eyeing Dead-Eye Jenkins at the other. The townsfolk gather around, whispering to each other and placing bets on how quickly McAllister will lose.
[Narrator]:
“Convinced that this was his moment to prove himself, McAllister challenged Dead-Eye to a duel. Unfortunately for him, reality quickly set in. Dead-Eye was no stranger to gunfights, and as it turns out, McAllister was no stranger to backing down.”
The reenactment shows McAllister’s hand trembling as he reaches for his gun. Just as he’s about to draw, he panics, drops the gun, and then scrambles to pick it up while Dead-Eye calmly watches. The townsfolk burst into laughter as McAllister stumbles and falls face-first into the dirt.
[Narrator]:
“Mad Dog McAllister’s attempt to be the ultimate badass ended in humiliation. Dead-Eye didn’t even bother to fire a shot—he just walked away, shaking his head, leaving McAllister to pick himself up from the dirt, his pride and reputation shattered.”
Cut to the aftermath, where McAllister, now covered in dust and sporting a black eye from his own misfire, is being laughed out of town. He slinks away, trying to hold onto whatever dignity he has left, but failing miserably.
[Narrator]:
“Stanley ‘Mad Dog’ McAllister: a man who talked big but couldn’t back it up. He learned the hard way that being a badass isn’t about how you look or what you say—it’s about what you can actually do. And in the end, McAllister was just another dumb bitch who let his ego write checks his skills couldn’t cash.”
The scene fades out with a close-up of McAllister’s wanted poster, now defaced with graffiti and a drawing of a clown face over his portrait. The camera pulls back to show it blowing away in the wind, disappearing into the desert.
The next scene opens in a dimly lit, shadowy room with a single spotlight illuminating a sleek, leather armchair. The camera pans down to reveal Alessia Capello, seated with a confident and slightly disdainful expression. She’s dressed in her wrestling gear, her bull mask resting on the arm of the chair, symbolizing the fierce persona she adopts in the ring.
[Narrator Voiceover, with a more serious tone]:
“The legacy of dumb bitches isn’t confined to the pages of history. Even in modern times, they walk among us—oblivious to their own shortcomings, blinded by delusions of grandeur. Who better to explain this phenomenon than Alessia Capello, a woman who has faced her fair share of them in the wrestling ring?”
The camera zooms in on Alessia, her eyes narrowing slightly as she begins to speak, her voice dripping with a mixture of contempt and amusement.
[Alessia Capello]:
“When you’ve been around the block as many times as I have, you learn to spot a dumb bitch from a mile away. They’re everywhere, lurking in the shadows, convinced they’re something they’re not. And my upcoming opponent, Scotty Thorne? He embodies everything it means to be a dumb bitch.”
Cut to a brief montage of Scotty Thorne’s past antics—showing him in over-the-top, exaggerated promos, flexing his muscles, and shouting catchphrases that never quite catch on. He’s shown being easily outmaneuvered in past matches, but still posing triumphantly afterward as if he won.
[Alessia Capello]:
“Scotty’s the type of guy who thinks that yelling louder makes you tougher. He believes that if he says he’s unstoppable enough times, it’ll magically become true. But here’s the thing: there’s a fine line between confidence and being a dumb bitch. Scotty crossed that line a long time ago, and he’s been running his mouth ever since.”
Alessia leans forward slightly, her tone becoming more cutting.
[Alessia Capello]:
“This isn’t just about his lack of skill—though that’s a big part of it. It’s about his refusal to see reality. Scotty’s the kind of guy who’ll walk into a match thinking he’s a god among men, only to find out he’s just another stepping stone on my path to glory. He’s a dumb bitch because he doesn’t realize he’s already lost before the bell even rings.”
Cut to another montage of Scotty Thorne, this time focusing on his misguided attempts to get under Alessia’s skin—trash talk, failed sneak attacks, and ultimately, moments where he’s clearly out of his depth but still grinning like he’s in control.
[Alessia Capello]:
“Thorne likes to play the part of the big, bad villain, but in reality, he’s nothing more than a joke—a punchline waiting to happen. He doesn’t understand that to stand across from me, you need more than bravado. You need talent, intelligence, and a real sense of who you are. Scotty? He’s got none of that. He’s just another dumb bitch who thinks he can outsmart me.”
The camera cuts back to Alessia, who now has a small, knowing smirk on her face.
[Alessia Capello]:
“So, Scotty, when we meet in that ring, don’t be surprised when your little fantasy world comes crashing down. Because while you’ve been busy living in your delusions, I’ve been preparing to make an example out of you. After all, nothing’s more satisfying than putting a dumb bitch in their place.”
The scene fades out, with the camera lingering on Alessia’s confident expression before transitioning to a final shot of Scotty Thorne’s name on a match card, with “DUMB BITCH” stamped across it in bold red letters.
[Narrator]:
“And there you have it—a modern-day dumb bitch, about to be taught a lesson by one of the sharpest minds in the business. It’s a tale as old as time: those who refuse to see their own flaws, who let ego and ignorance guide them, will always find themselves on the losing side. Scotty Thorne is about to learn that the hard way.”
The screen cuts to black, with the sound of a bell ringing in the distance, signaling the start of the impending match.