Post by Stevie Satisfaction on Sept 7, 2024 20:51:02 GMT -5
This all begins with a single video call shortly after the end of the last episode of Danger.
The voices and the faces are not familiar around these parts , unless of course you’re familiar with the voices and faces of the WGWF World Tag Team Champions the Wild Bunch. Which you should be, by the way. Because on the video chat are both Adam Ramsey and ‘Meshuggeneh’ Jones and they’re talking to Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie has a look of anguish on his face as he leans into the phone listening to what his friends have to say.
“Yo Stevie, you should have been there… tag team champions, shocked the damn world in just our second match with the company. We popped the champagne, Jonesy nearly broke the elevator, and we got banned from the hotel. It was a typical celebration. Two matches in and bam! We’re the champs, can you believe that?”
Stevie’s look on his face goes from anguish to complete soul crushing pain.
“No, I can’t believe that.”
“Steeevvvvvie-man, this is Jonesy. Let me ask you a question, are you even allowed to look at the titles over there yet?”
This is followed by the pair laughing on the pair which further torments what seemingly remains of Stevie’s soul. The worst part is that Stevie has no poker face whatsoever and his expression is that of a person who currently has a car battery connected to his privates. You totally know what that look looks like too, but these are his friends and they’re allowed to give him this much shit.
“Thanks guys, you really know how to pick me up.”
“Yeah, that’s what we’re here for buddy we’ll always be the wind beneath your wings. So, what happens after you beat the next guy? Do you know who you get to face in the five hundredth round or is that hidden behind a secret along with those titles?”
Stevie rubs his temples as he hears the chuckles over the phone.
“I get the winner of Morbid Wolf and Jestyr Serio--.”
“Serious? No shit! We go way back with Jestyr… first we knocked the shit out of him before Summer Madness, then we knocked the shit out of him at Summer Madness. He’s like our favorite guy to knock the shit out of around here. Love that guy, let him know that we say hi!”
There’s some more laughter from the two on the other end of the phone. Eventually they’re able to calm down as Stevie just sits there waiting for either the torture to end or for his life to end at this point.
“In all seriousness Stevie, if they’re going to keep on running you through the ringer over there… we could put a good word in over here and probably get you a title match within a couple of shows. You know what I mean? Think about it, the whole Wild Bunch back together again, we’d be even more unstoppable. Think about it.”
“Maybe, who knows.”
“Peace out, dickwad!”
And with that, the video call comes to a sudden end. Stevie will probably continue to spiral as we fade to black.
But Stevie must recover fast, because he’s ready to go… possibly a couple of days later.
“Alright Curt, let’s do this. Roll that film, I’ve got a lot to get off of my chest."
And sure enough, there’s Stevie. Stevie’s looking a lot better than before or at least he’s figured out a way to move on with his life without a soul to squeeze. Though, sunglasses do hide his eyes and the eyes are the win-- Stevie’s about to talk, shhh!
“Listen here EPW, Stevie Satisfaction is only two steps away in this world title tournament… and then when I finally take those steps I’m sure there will be a two-man sack race that will be held on consecutive Sundays until a tournament winner is crowned. Right? Because that’s the game the front office likes to play against its biggest star. They want to tease everyone, tease, tease until your balls turn Smurf blue and then finally allow you to pop when I snatch that World Heavyweight title.
Get it?
Yeah, I don’t like either, not one bit. My guess is that the front office apparently isn’t one hundred percent sold on my ability to absolutely leave the people satisfied once I have that title. Or that I won’t be able to keep on topping what I have already accomplished before. But to reassure the Boss Lady, even after that pop, my recharge time is strong enough that I will keep you satisfied over and over again.
Fear not my Stevie-holics, this Danger we get to once again get to shove everything that EPW can throw at yours truly right back down their own throats by taking out one of their legends. Yeah, I actually said it outloud, let me say it again. John Blaze, an EPW living legend is making his return against me… in the world title tournament. And what did John Blaze exactly do in order to not only get into the world title tournament but to get a first round bye?”
Stevie stops for a moment to take a long deep breath and to rub to his chin giving it all of his brain power in order to answer his own question. Stevie then shrugs his shoulders.
“I have absolutely no fucking idea, to be honest.
Maybe it’s the whole legend bullshit? Well, unlike all my Stevie-holics out there I actually happen to remember the last time that we saw John Blaze in EPW. It was during the ladder match at Revival where I made my debut. Yes, the now infamous ladder match at Revival that has set me down a path that seems like a never-ending story. John Blaze, I remember almost everything about that night because it’s been eating away at my sanity for the past two months now.
I remember during that match when you gave me that Death Valley Driver right through a damn ladder nearly breaking my tailbone in the process. I owe you some receipts for that Blaze, I owe you the pain I felt in my legs as I climbed up each rung of that ladder to be there at the end. Where were you at legend, by the way? Oh yeah, you not only bowed out of that match but also for the next two months.
And boy oh, boy! Have you ever missed a ton since you disappeared before the end of that ladder match. I have become one of the biggest stars in all of EPW to the point where even the new people such as Donovan Strasmore are dropping my name to get noticed. Don’t worry Strasmore, there’s plenty of room on my nuts for you to attempt to swing off from. Just keep your teeth clenched to my taint because you’re on a wild ride now. Some other people jumped in on the World title picture too while you were gone as well. But mostly, you’ve missed me and my meteoric rise to absolute glory here in EPW.
But I get the feeling you already knew that was going to happen because you might be a coward, but you’re not dumb. You’ve seen people come and go and come and go from this locker room long enough to know not to be shocked by how many people have become Stevie-holics. You saw what I could do firsthand in that ladder match back at Revival… come to think of it, that’s probably the reason why you ducked out.”
And for the second time already, Stevie pauses and gives the hair on the bottom of his chin a nice long scratch. Oh, this must be some deep thoughts with Stevie time or something because he’s really digging into his chin here. Finally, a wicked smile grows across the face of the Satisfying One.
“I know that the office has billed this as a clash of the two eras. Blaze represents the old era, and Stevie represents the new era. But between your Houdini act and my victory against Goth on the last Danger, I have come to the conclusion that the old era must have been really soft. And with that knowledge, I think I have gotten a true insight into the mind of the Boss Lady.
Call it a Steve-e-piphany. See what I did there?
The Boss Lady might not be punishing Stevie Satisfaction with an endless tournament, two man sack races or even a rock-paper-scissors marathon. She might be punishing the old era of EPW with all of those things by forcing them to face off against me. I think Boss Lady despises the old era of EPW and all of its legends and she wants me to run circles around them in the ring in order to show to all of the fans that she has figured out how to scout talent. Or in my case, scout and sign the greatest talent that the world of professional wrestling has ever seen.
Perhaps this isn’t even a world tournament title, maybe this just a building wave of momentum for when I finally get my hands on the EPW World Heavyweight Championship belt and no one person will be able to doubt the Boss Lady at having the greatest title on its most satisfying wrestler.
When we get there we’ll call it, and Justice for Stevie.”
Stevie looks to the sky with great satisfaction, so much so that even his eyes slowly close in this dramatic pause of his speaking. Just when it looks as if Cameraman Curt is about to stop rolling this beautiful bean footage, Stevie’s phone begins to buzz in the pocket of his pants. This causes one eye to pop open, followed by a smooth check of his back pocket of those stylish pants of his to see who would be calling him.
“Speaking of giving satisfaction over and over again…”
Stevie flashes the phone screen towards Cameraman Curt, and sure enough it says that “HOT STEVIE” is calling. You know, the one that tried to dump something into the drink of Stevie the last time they went out on a date. Stevie, our Stevie, gives a wink to the camera as he answers his phone.
“Hot Stevie! Where are we going tonight?”
With that, Cameraman Curt is instructed to cut filming this and we go to static.
But before the static fades, the scene returns. We’re somewhere completely different than before, in fact we’re in a bright white room which looks exactly like… wait for it, wait for it… exactly like a hospital room. ‘Nothing But Action’ Stevie Satisfaction is currently laying completely still with his eyes closed inside of a hospital room, there’s even an IV hooked to his arm connected to a machine that makes a beeping noise.
Is he going to die?
Nope. Because his eyes pop open as he sits up, he looks confused as to exactly what he’s doing here right now at this very second. Stevie goes as far as to rub both of his eyes in complete shock and bewilderment of where he is at. That is when the voice of the doctor in a white coat standing across the room can be heard.
DOC: “Mr. Satisfaction? How nice of you to finally wake up, we were thinking that you might not recover for another couple of hours.”
Stevie adjusts himself in the hospital bed, still checking his surroundings and trying to process exactly what is going on right now.
OUR-STEVIE: “How the hell did I get to the hospital? What am I doing here?”
DOC: “Yeah, that tracks. Seems as if you were found completely unresponsive face down in a bowl of clam chowder. Thankfully, your waiter had the wherewithal to lift your head up otherwise you might have drowned. That would’ve been one for the record books.”
That’s a strange thing for a doctor to say. It’s even stranger that the doc has a little chuckle to himself as he approaches Stevie’s hospital bed with clipboard in hand. Stevie doesn’t seem to be registering that something might be a little off with the doctor.
OUR-STEVIE: “Clam chowder? What about my date? She was right there, last thing I remember was that she was right there. Is she okay?”
DOC: “Well, there’s that whole issue.”
OUR-STEVIE: “What issue?”
The doctor oddly tosses the medical chart down onto the bed at the feet of Stevie. Now the strange behavior of the doctor is starting to sink with him. Then it begins to get really really weird as the doctor extends his right hand towards Stevie.
DOC: “Let me introduce myself to you, Stevie. My name is Dr. Alan Chase, it’s a pleasure to finally meet the 281st ranked Stevie. Seems like you’ve stumbled into something you had no idea that you might be stepping into. And I've got to warn you, it's a lot of shit.”
OUR-STEVIE: “What? Did you say Alan? You’re a part of the whole thing aren’t you? Wait-a-minute. Did you just say that I was the 281st ranked Stevie in the world?”
The doctor nods as Stevie seemingly ignores the offer of his handshake. The doctor heads over towards the IV bag and checks to make sure that the drip is working completely normal.
DOC: “Yeah, it seems like there are a lot of Stevie’s being convinced to stop responding to the Secret Society of Stevie’s emails and the group chat has just completely dried up. So sad. But congrats on cracking the top three hundred. I think you and I need to have a bit of a chat and let me explain exactly what’s going on and how we can help each other out here. See, you stepped into a war between the Stevie’s and Alans that has been raging for years and years now.
I don’t really want to get into the whole story, but understand that by our nature Alan’s are the opposite of Stevie’s and vice-versa. You Stevie’s tend to be entertainer types for example you’re a professional wrestler on TV. While us Alan’s are a bit more practical in nature, for example I’m a medical doctor and we really do not mix. However, while the two sides have gone back and forth over the years, neither sid--”
Just then Stevie cuts off the doctor.
OUR-STEVIE: “Wait just a minute, there’s a gynecologist Stevie. I smelled his fingers at the chili cook-off a couple of weeks ago.”
DOC: “Yeah, that’s gross. And to be honest, gynecologists are really just the muppet-controllers of the medical profession. As I was saying before, neither of the two sides have ever done anything violent towards each other. We've just more or less pulled pranks on each other and messed with the rosters of our two secret societies. That was until She-Stevie joined our side and ended up putting something into your clam chowder. I want to make sure you understand, this is not what we wanted or intended.
But, damn she is really pissed off at you and I don’t know if we can stop her. You see we Alan’s have never had a woman among our ranks. So, fair warning, check everything you eat from now on and perhaps if you dropped out of the Secret Society of Stevie’s, you might continue to have a good life.”
The doctor nods towards Stevie and picks up the medical chart and begins to leave the room. Stevie lets the information sink into his brain, and there was a lot of information to take in from what the doctor said. Did you read the OBGYN joke? It was a good one. Before the doctor leaves the room, Stevie responds.
OUR-STEVIE: “No, I will never drop out. I will be the greatest Stevie of all time before all is said and done. Nobody will stop me.”
DOC: “That’s a shame. Well, good luck and welcome to the war."
The doctor leaves the room and the scene fades to black.
The voices and the faces are not familiar around these parts , unless of course you’re familiar with the voices and faces of the WGWF World Tag Team Champions the Wild Bunch. Which you should be, by the way. Because on the video chat are both Adam Ramsey and ‘Meshuggeneh’ Jones and they’re talking to Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie has a look of anguish on his face as he leans into the phone listening to what his friends have to say.
“Yo Stevie, you should have been there… tag team champions, shocked the damn world in just our second match with the company. We popped the champagne, Jonesy nearly broke the elevator, and we got banned from the hotel. It was a typical celebration. Two matches in and bam! We’re the champs, can you believe that?”
Stevie’s look on his face goes from anguish to complete soul crushing pain.
“No, I can’t believe that.”
“Steeevvvvvie-man, this is Jonesy. Let me ask you a question, are you even allowed to look at the titles over there yet?”
This is followed by the pair laughing on the pair which further torments what seemingly remains of Stevie’s soul. The worst part is that Stevie has no poker face whatsoever and his expression is that of a person who currently has a car battery connected to his privates. You totally know what that look looks like too, but these are his friends and they’re allowed to give him this much shit.
“Thanks guys, you really know how to pick me up.”
“Yeah, that’s what we’re here for buddy we’ll always be the wind beneath your wings. So, what happens after you beat the next guy? Do you know who you get to face in the five hundredth round or is that hidden behind a secret along with those titles?”
Stevie rubs his temples as he hears the chuckles over the phone.
“I get the winner of Morbid Wolf and Jestyr Serio--.”
“Serious? No shit! We go way back with Jestyr… first we knocked the shit out of him before Summer Madness, then we knocked the shit out of him at Summer Madness. He’s like our favorite guy to knock the shit out of around here. Love that guy, let him know that we say hi!”
There’s some more laughter from the two on the other end of the phone. Eventually they’re able to calm down as Stevie just sits there waiting for either the torture to end or for his life to end at this point.
“In all seriousness Stevie, if they’re going to keep on running you through the ringer over there… we could put a good word in over here and probably get you a title match within a couple of shows. You know what I mean? Think about it, the whole Wild Bunch back together again, we’d be even more unstoppable. Think about it.”
“Maybe, who knows.”
“Peace out, dickwad!”
And with that, the video call comes to a sudden end. Stevie will probably continue to spiral as we fade to black.
But Stevie must recover fast, because he’s ready to go… possibly a couple of days later.
“Alright Curt, let’s do this. Roll that film, I’ve got a lot to get off of my chest."
And sure enough, there’s Stevie. Stevie’s looking a lot better than before or at least he’s figured out a way to move on with his life without a soul to squeeze. Though, sunglasses do hide his eyes and the eyes are the win-- Stevie’s about to talk, shhh!
“Listen here EPW, Stevie Satisfaction is only two steps away in this world title tournament… and then when I finally take those steps I’m sure there will be a two-man sack race that will be held on consecutive Sundays until a tournament winner is crowned. Right? Because that’s the game the front office likes to play against its biggest star. They want to tease everyone, tease, tease until your balls turn Smurf blue and then finally allow you to pop when I snatch that World Heavyweight title.
Get it?
Yeah, I don’t like either, not one bit. My guess is that the front office apparently isn’t one hundred percent sold on my ability to absolutely leave the people satisfied once I have that title. Or that I won’t be able to keep on topping what I have already accomplished before. But to reassure the Boss Lady, even after that pop, my recharge time is strong enough that I will keep you satisfied over and over again.
Fear not my Stevie-holics, this Danger we get to once again get to shove everything that EPW can throw at yours truly right back down their own throats by taking out one of their legends. Yeah, I actually said it outloud, let me say it again. John Blaze, an EPW living legend is making his return against me… in the world title tournament. And what did John Blaze exactly do in order to not only get into the world title tournament but to get a first round bye?”
Stevie stops for a moment to take a long deep breath and to rub to his chin giving it all of his brain power in order to answer his own question. Stevie then shrugs his shoulders.
“I have absolutely no fucking idea, to be honest.
Maybe it’s the whole legend bullshit? Well, unlike all my Stevie-holics out there I actually happen to remember the last time that we saw John Blaze in EPW. It was during the ladder match at Revival where I made my debut. Yes, the now infamous ladder match at Revival that has set me down a path that seems like a never-ending story. John Blaze, I remember almost everything about that night because it’s been eating away at my sanity for the past two months now.
I remember during that match when you gave me that Death Valley Driver right through a damn ladder nearly breaking my tailbone in the process. I owe you some receipts for that Blaze, I owe you the pain I felt in my legs as I climbed up each rung of that ladder to be there at the end. Where were you at legend, by the way? Oh yeah, you not only bowed out of that match but also for the next two months.
And boy oh, boy! Have you ever missed a ton since you disappeared before the end of that ladder match. I have become one of the biggest stars in all of EPW to the point where even the new people such as Donovan Strasmore are dropping my name to get noticed. Don’t worry Strasmore, there’s plenty of room on my nuts for you to attempt to swing off from. Just keep your teeth clenched to my taint because you’re on a wild ride now. Some other people jumped in on the World title picture too while you were gone as well. But mostly, you’ve missed me and my meteoric rise to absolute glory here in EPW.
But I get the feeling you already knew that was going to happen because you might be a coward, but you’re not dumb. You’ve seen people come and go and come and go from this locker room long enough to know not to be shocked by how many people have become Stevie-holics. You saw what I could do firsthand in that ladder match back at Revival… come to think of it, that’s probably the reason why you ducked out.”
And for the second time already, Stevie pauses and gives the hair on the bottom of his chin a nice long scratch. Oh, this must be some deep thoughts with Stevie time or something because he’s really digging into his chin here. Finally, a wicked smile grows across the face of the Satisfying One.
“I know that the office has billed this as a clash of the two eras. Blaze represents the old era, and Stevie represents the new era. But between your Houdini act and my victory against Goth on the last Danger, I have come to the conclusion that the old era must have been really soft. And with that knowledge, I think I have gotten a true insight into the mind of the Boss Lady.
Call it a Steve-e-piphany. See what I did there?
The Boss Lady might not be punishing Stevie Satisfaction with an endless tournament, two man sack races or even a rock-paper-scissors marathon. She might be punishing the old era of EPW with all of those things by forcing them to face off against me. I think Boss Lady despises the old era of EPW and all of its legends and she wants me to run circles around them in the ring in order to show to all of the fans that she has figured out how to scout talent. Or in my case, scout and sign the greatest talent that the world of professional wrestling has ever seen.
Perhaps this isn’t even a world tournament title, maybe this just a building wave of momentum for when I finally get my hands on the EPW World Heavyweight Championship belt and no one person will be able to doubt the Boss Lady at having the greatest title on its most satisfying wrestler.
When we get there we’ll call it, and Justice for Stevie.”
Stevie looks to the sky with great satisfaction, so much so that even his eyes slowly close in this dramatic pause of his speaking. Just when it looks as if Cameraman Curt is about to stop rolling this beautiful bean footage, Stevie’s phone begins to buzz in the pocket of his pants. This causes one eye to pop open, followed by a smooth check of his back pocket of those stylish pants of his to see who would be calling him.
“Speaking of giving satisfaction over and over again…”
Stevie flashes the phone screen towards Cameraman Curt, and sure enough it says that “HOT STEVIE” is calling. You know, the one that tried to dump something into the drink of Stevie the last time they went out on a date. Stevie, our Stevie, gives a wink to the camera as he answers his phone.
“Hot Stevie! Where are we going tonight?”
With that, Cameraman Curt is instructed to cut filming this and we go to static.
But before the static fades, the scene returns. We’re somewhere completely different than before, in fact we’re in a bright white room which looks exactly like… wait for it, wait for it… exactly like a hospital room. ‘Nothing But Action’ Stevie Satisfaction is currently laying completely still with his eyes closed inside of a hospital room, there’s even an IV hooked to his arm connected to a machine that makes a beeping noise.
Is he going to die?
Nope. Because his eyes pop open as he sits up, he looks confused as to exactly what he’s doing here right now at this very second. Stevie goes as far as to rub both of his eyes in complete shock and bewilderment of where he is at. That is when the voice of the doctor in a white coat standing across the room can be heard.
DOC: “Mr. Satisfaction? How nice of you to finally wake up, we were thinking that you might not recover for another couple of hours.”
Stevie adjusts himself in the hospital bed, still checking his surroundings and trying to process exactly what is going on right now.
OUR-STEVIE: “How the hell did I get to the hospital? What am I doing here?”
DOC: “Yeah, that tracks. Seems as if you were found completely unresponsive face down in a bowl of clam chowder. Thankfully, your waiter had the wherewithal to lift your head up otherwise you might have drowned. That would’ve been one for the record books.”
That’s a strange thing for a doctor to say. It’s even stranger that the doc has a little chuckle to himself as he approaches Stevie’s hospital bed with clipboard in hand. Stevie doesn’t seem to be registering that something might be a little off with the doctor.
OUR-STEVIE: “Clam chowder? What about my date? She was right there, last thing I remember was that she was right there. Is she okay?”
DOC: “Well, there’s that whole issue.”
OUR-STEVIE: “What issue?”
The doctor oddly tosses the medical chart down onto the bed at the feet of Stevie. Now the strange behavior of the doctor is starting to sink with him. Then it begins to get really really weird as the doctor extends his right hand towards Stevie.
DOC: “Let me introduce myself to you, Stevie. My name is Dr. Alan Chase, it’s a pleasure to finally meet the 281st ranked Stevie. Seems like you’ve stumbled into something you had no idea that you might be stepping into. And I've got to warn you, it's a lot of shit.”
OUR-STEVIE: “What? Did you say Alan? You’re a part of the whole thing aren’t you? Wait-a-minute. Did you just say that I was the 281st ranked Stevie in the world?”
The doctor nods as Stevie seemingly ignores the offer of his handshake. The doctor heads over towards the IV bag and checks to make sure that the drip is working completely normal.
DOC: “Yeah, it seems like there are a lot of Stevie’s being convinced to stop responding to the Secret Society of Stevie’s emails and the group chat has just completely dried up. So sad. But congrats on cracking the top three hundred. I think you and I need to have a bit of a chat and let me explain exactly what’s going on and how we can help each other out here. See, you stepped into a war between the Stevie’s and Alans that has been raging for years and years now.
I don’t really want to get into the whole story, but understand that by our nature Alan’s are the opposite of Stevie’s and vice-versa. You Stevie’s tend to be entertainer types for example you’re a professional wrestler on TV. While us Alan’s are a bit more practical in nature, for example I’m a medical doctor and we really do not mix. However, while the two sides have gone back and forth over the years, neither sid--”
Just then Stevie cuts off the doctor.
OUR-STEVIE: “Wait just a minute, there’s a gynecologist Stevie. I smelled his fingers at the chili cook-off a couple of weeks ago.”
DOC: “Yeah, that’s gross. And to be honest, gynecologists are really just the muppet-controllers of the medical profession. As I was saying before, neither of the two sides have ever done anything violent towards each other. We've just more or less pulled pranks on each other and messed with the rosters of our two secret societies. That was until She-Stevie joined our side and ended up putting something into your clam chowder. I want to make sure you understand, this is not what we wanted or intended.
But, damn she is really pissed off at you and I don’t know if we can stop her. You see we Alan’s have never had a woman among our ranks. So, fair warning, check everything you eat from now on and perhaps if you dropped out of the Secret Society of Stevie’s, you might continue to have a good life.”
The doctor nods towards Stevie and picks up the medical chart and begins to leave the room. Stevie lets the information sink into his brain, and there was a lot of information to take in from what the doctor said. Did you read the OBGYN joke? It was a good one. Before the doctor leaves the room, Stevie responds.
OUR-STEVIE: “No, I will never drop out. I will be the greatest Stevie of all time before all is said and done. Nobody will stop me.”
DOC: “That’s a shame. Well, good luck and welcome to the war."
The doctor leaves the room and the scene fades to black.