Post by Stevie Satisfaction on Nov 18, 2024 22:05:54 GMT -5
The name on the gravestone reads ‘Stevie Satisfaction’, followed by a final resting date of ‘10.31.24’. However, in an attempt to not be completely morbid or spooky dark here the bottom line reads ‘For satisfaction, just dig.’
The freshly buried grave is surrounded by five figures that are completely masked and hooded in black. A few of them are holding torches that burn brightly and light up the surrounding area here, it all looks like a scene out of a horror film. That is until the one person dressed in all black peels back the hood and the mask revealing it is the leader of the Secret Society of Stevies.
STEVIE-ONE: I don’t get it, were we supposed to say a chant or something after we spoke the sacred words? Did anyone write the chant down from the internet or are we just winging this whole resurrection thing this time around? Ok, that settles it, the next Stevie-O-Thon fundraiser is for a printer. Now we need to figure out what to sell at the fundraiser… oh, and we’re going to need to figure out how to bring this guy back to life. I’m out of ideas.
The other hooded figures nod and agree with a couple of mumbling lines. It’s at that moment that the ground begins to move and crumble as a hand pops out of the ground in a dramatic moment. The hooded figure and Stevie-One all back away as the hand continues to push dirt out of the way, followed by another arm and soon more of a person. The hooded figures begin to speak in unison.
HOODED-GUYS: The prophecy!
STEVIE-ONE: What? No. Wait, which prophecy? I don’t remember this one, which prophecy is this?
HOODED-GUYS: And then the greatest Stevie shall arise from the Earth, he shall bring an end to the eternal conflict.
STEVIE-ONE: Oh come on, no! Me! I’m the greatest Stevie, not this guy. I’m the face of all Stevies, I run the club.
Stevie-One stomps his feet and kicks some of the dirt back onto the hole in the ground that is starting to get big enough for a person to begin to pull himself off. Sure enough, it’s Stevie Satisfaction and he’s squirming out of that grave like Ace Ventura out of the rhino’s asshole. Well, Stevie’s at least still wearing his ring gear and isn’t naked, sorry Wolf. Eventually, Stevie is able to pull himself out of the grave as the remaining hooded figures begin to bow towards him.
Stevie-One just stands there with his arms crossed. After a couple of long deep breaths from Stevie, throws his arm around Stevie-One and gives a confused look as to what is going on.
STEVIE: Whoa, what’s going on here?
HOODED-GUYS: The greatest Stevie speaks!
STEVIE: Greatest Stevie? I assume you all watched the show I put on at Halloween Havok. Yeah, I might have come up a little short, but we all know that I was the star of the show. Now, I wouldn’t say that it was my greatest performance, but we can work with Greatest Stevie for now. Any of you guys got a bottle of water or something? I could really use a drink.
Three of the four hooded figures stand up and begin to tackle each other as they attempt to be the first to run and get Stevie a bottle of water.
STEVIE-ONE: Oh what the? You guys couldn’t even be bothered to have brought a shovel and here you are fighting over a bottle of water. This is ridiculous, he’s not even ranked into the top two hundred of Stevies.
Our Stevie gives Stevie-One a strange look as he backs away and brushes the remaining dirt off of his body.
STEVIE: Not in the top two hundred? I think we’re going to have to work on your ranking system just a tad there, because if I’m not mistaken they’re calling me the Greatest Stevie and not you that.
Stevie-One storms off angrily, while Stevie stands there waiting for his water to be delivered as promised. The last hooded figure just sort of stands there as Stevie continues to wipe dirt off of himself as we fade to black.
A few hours later, we hear that voice once again.
“Cameraman Curt, are you ready to roll?”
The camera fires up as a much, much cleaner Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie is looking much better than before, he is able to stand completely straight up without showing the long lasting damage that has been done to his ribs over these past few months. He is rocking a ‘Wild Bunch World Tour’ t-shirt which is making a stop in Japan at the WGWF PPV if you didn’t know. The thumbs up is given by Cameraman Curt in front of the screen as Stevie gets ready to unleash.
“Let me ask you all a question first… do I at least look a little bit rested? I thought it was a decent dirt nap that I took there. I can honestly say that my ribs haven’t felt this good in… well, since I got dropped on a ladder, but we’re not here to rehash the past anymore. I’d rather talk about the here and now, now that I have finally woken back up from the dead.
And exactly just what did I wake up to?
It appears that Erik Holland wants to be the face of EPW. Well, let’s just go ahead and spoil it for you Erik Holland, you’re never going to be the face of EPW as long as Stevie Satisfaction is alive and kicking. Now maybe you were a little confused there because Stevie took a quick nap and I guess that short absence made it seem that the position of face of this company was hiring. Nope, there’s only one man who will ever be qualified enough to be the truly satisfactory face of this company… and that’s me. You Erik? You might bring to the table an interesting and compelling resume along with you, but the position here in EPW is already square on my shoulders. Besides, you’re way too spread out to be the face of any one company. How many are you in there, seventy-what?
I thought Lisa Sparxxx taking nine hundred and twelve dicks was impressive, but you? Holy shit. You’ve been around the block so much already that everyone’s had their turn on you twice, if you were to somehow become the face of this company? Damn, we would all have to go out and get tested. Shit, remind me to make an appointment when all of this is said and done, I don’t need my garbage falling off before Endgame because of whatever Erik Holland gave to me during this match.
Wait, I was already in a match with Holland. Am I looking spotty or anything, Curt?”
Turns his head from side to side, as the camera moves in a little closer as Stevie even coughs a couple of times for good measure. Cameraman Curt gives Stevie another thumbs up and backs off with the camera.
“Good, good. It would be an absolute shame to have caught something deadly and I’ve only been out of the grave for like three hours. Other than you running from fed to fed like Lindsay Lohan on coke fueled bender, there’s the fact that you’re just too damn new around here to ever be considered the face of EPW. You’ve had one match so far in EPW, one match! Now, I will admit that you were screwed over our only match, so that was a good orientation of what to expect around here. But, you’ve only had one match here. I ended the last PPV with everyone chanting my name because of the work I’ve put into this place. These fans don’t love you, Erik like they love me. You’re just some Johnny come lately and that might work in all the other places you roam, around here nobody leaves them satisfied like I leave them satisfied.
And what a chance do we have to satisfy these fans in Memphis… thirty minute iron man match. Now, I’m going to go ahead and brag a bit here by saying that thirty minutes is going to absolutely push the boundaries of how much satisfaction a crowd can actually handle. I’m going to push the limits folks, better bring your Gatorade and your special socks Wednesday for Danger.
Now comes the other question, what do I think Erik Holland is going to bring to this match against the only face of EPW? Is he going to try and rough me up some? Yeah, I’m sure. Hell, I’m sure we’ll see him try to get all deathmatch-y with me at some point to try and show me who’s the boss in that ring.”
Stevie makes a slow jerk motion. You know, the real slow jerk motion. But remember, you never make eye contact and you never finish… nope, Stevie’s going to break both of those rules and he makes heavy eye contact throughout the whole process as you watch until the happy ending.
“Yeah, that hardcore stuff was impressive when I was fifteen and trying to break into the wrestling business, but we all learn soon enough that the deathmatch style doesn’t get you too far in the world of wrestling. I mean it’ll get you far enough that you can drip blood from your poorly stitched forehead into your Waffle House order on a crappy winter night, but that’s only going to be fun for so long. I’m not fifteen anymore, Eirk. I’m here to win matches, get another EPW World Heavyweight title shot, and get paid in the process. You’re only going to be my stepping stone towards all of those goals. Let’s bottom line all of this for everyone. I’m going to wrestle circles around the lumbering Erik Holland, as I am sure the miles that he’s put on that body of his doing the hardcore stuff are going to feel like an albatross around his neck as he tries to keep up with me.
Look, this match might be scheduled for thirty minutes, but in reality I’m only going to need about ten minutes to build a big enough lead that’ll allow me to let Bronny James come off of the bench to finish the rest for me.”
Stevie lines up the shot and drains that invisible ball from the three point line for everyone to just imagine. You know it’s going in too, nothing but net from the man who is nothing but action. Stevie then grabs the camera bringing it up to his face.
“While it might not mean a lot to you Erik because you bleed everywhere, I’ve bled for these EPW fans… let me restate that, I’ve only ever bled for these EPW fans. Every single match that I have put on for these fans I poured my heart, and soul into and I never hold back. I damn near passed out from the pain in my side, but I kept on fighting because I am the true face of this company. Do you even know what company this is, Erik? Do you even understand that this is an island for the misfit toys of professional wrestling? I do, I most certainly do. Those other companies out there, the ones you work for, they didn’t even return my phone calls… they never even watched my tapes or gave me the time of day! Here in EPW? That is my ring, that is my pride and I will do whatever it takes to defend my pride.
You want to bring the weapons? Fine, hit me with whatever you think it will that’ll keep me down. No matter what you think, I’m going to get right back up and spit in your face. But, I kind of get the feeling you might enjoy that a little too much. See? No matter what I do, I always seem to leave the people satisfied.”
Stevie pushes the camera away and we fade to black.
A few moments later, however, the camera begins to run in a guerilla style manner. Stevie is just sitting there having a cup of coffee as even Cameraman Curt walks on by the camera a couple of times. It is at that moment that Stevie’s phone begins to ring, not buzz, ring. His ring tone is his entrance music of Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody Does it Better’, Stevie pauses as he looks at the screen or maybe he really just likes the song. Either way he finally does answer it in speaker mode.
STEVIE: Jonsey, such a shame you couldn’t win that International bukkake rumble whatever title match. I mean, I don’t know if it would have counted as a world title as far as our bet goes or anything, but keep on trying there…
JONES: Do you even have a world title match anytime soon, Stevie? Look, I just called because I was just in the ring with your opponent Erik Holland and wanted to give you a little heads up.
There’s a pause on the other end of the phone.
STEVIE: Oh, he’s there too? No shit.
JONES: Yeah, and I just want to give you a warning that the dude’s a beast. He’s legit six foot six, not like the fake six foot six that you always hear about but when you get up close it’s more like six two and thick shoes. I know you’re moving slower these days, bro, but figure out a way to move and protect your ribs.
STEVIE: Come on, it’s me. You know that I am already prepared for just about anything and besides my ribs are feeling so much better these days.
There’s another pause on the other end of the phone.
JONES: Who are you trying to fool, me? I’ve known you since six years old, you can’t bullshit me man. Just watch your ribs, brother. Watch them. I’ve gotta run here, me and Ramsey have got to get out of Japan ASAP… there’s a story there, I totally whiffed on a field goal for money, totally reminiscent of when Crazy Larry did that. I’ll hit you up when I get back to the states! Peace out loser.
And with that the phone hangs up. The guerrilla style camera goes to static as Cameraman Curt walks by and notices the red light is on.
The freshly buried grave is surrounded by five figures that are completely masked and hooded in black. A few of them are holding torches that burn brightly and light up the surrounding area here, it all looks like a scene out of a horror film. That is until the one person dressed in all black peels back the hood and the mask revealing it is the leader of the Secret Society of Stevies.
STEVIE-ONE: I don’t get it, were we supposed to say a chant or something after we spoke the sacred words? Did anyone write the chant down from the internet or are we just winging this whole resurrection thing this time around? Ok, that settles it, the next Stevie-O-Thon fundraiser is for a printer. Now we need to figure out what to sell at the fundraiser… oh, and we’re going to need to figure out how to bring this guy back to life. I’m out of ideas.
The other hooded figures nod and agree with a couple of mumbling lines. It’s at that moment that the ground begins to move and crumble as a hand pops out of the ground in a dramatic moment. The hooded figure and Stevie-One all back away as the hand continues to push dirt out of the way, followed by another arm and soon more of a person. The hooded figures begin to speak in unison.
HOODED-GUYS: The prophecy!
STEVIE-ONE: What? No. Wait, which prophecy? I don’t remember this one, which prophecy is this?
HOODED-GUYS: And then the greatest Stevie shall arise from the Earth, he shall bring an end to the eternal conflict.
STEVIE-ONE: Oh come on, no! Me! I’m the greatest Stevie, not this guy. I’m the face of all Stevies, I run the club.
Stevie-One stomps his feet and kicks some of the dirt back onto the hole in the ground that is starting to get big enough for a person to begin to pull himself off. Sure enough, it’s Stevie Satisfaction and he’s squirming out of that grave like Ace Ventura out of the rhino’s asshole. Well, Stevie’s at least still wearing his ring gear and isn’t naked, sorry Wolf. Eventually, Stevie is able to pull himself out of the grave as the remaining hooded figures begin to bow towards him.
Stevie-One just stands there with his arms crossed. After a couple of long deep breaths from Stevie, throws his arm around Stevie-One and gives a confused look as to what is going on.
STEVIE: Whoa, what’s going on here?
HOODED-GUYS: The greatest Stevie speaks!
STEVIE: Greatest Stevie? I assume you all watched the show I put on at Halloween Havok. Yeah, I might have come up a little short, but we all know that I was the star of the show. Now, I wouldn’t say that it was my greatest performance, but we can work with Greatest Stevie for now. Any of you guys got a bottle of water or something? I could really use a drink.
Three of the four hooded figures stand up and begin to tackle each other as they attempt to be the first to run and get Stevie a bottle of water.
STEVIE-ONE: Oh what the? You guys couldn’t even be bothered to have brought a shovel and here you are fighting over a bottle of water. This is ridiculous, he’s not even ranked into the top two hundred of Stevies.
Our Stevie gives Stevie-One a strange look as he backs away and brushes the remaining dirt off of his body.
STEVIE: Not in the top two hundred? I think we’re going to have to work on your ranking system just a tad there, because if I’m not mistaken they’re calling me the Greatest Stevie and not you that.
Stevie-One storms off angrily, while Stevie stands there waiting for his water to be delivered as promised. The last hooded figure just sort of stands there as Stevie continues to wipe dirt off of himself as we fade to black.
A few hours later, we hear that voice once again.
“Cameraman Curt, are you ready to roll?”
The camera fires up as a much, much cleaner Stevie Satisfaction. Stevie is looking much better than before, he is able to stand completely straight up without showing the long lasting damage that has been done to his ribs over these past few months. He is rocking a ‘Wild Bunch World Tour’ t-shirt which is making a stop in Japan at the WGWF PPV if you didn’t know. The thumbs up is given by Cameraman Curt in front of the screen as Stevie gets ready to unleash.
“Let me ask you all a question first… do I at least look a little bit rested? I thought it was a decent dirt nap that I took there. I can honestly say that my ribs haven’t felt this good in… well, since I got dropped on a ladder, but we’re not here to rehash the past anymore. I’d rather talk about the here and now, now that I have finally woken back up from the dead.
And exactly just what did I wake up to?
It appears that Erik Holland wants to be the face of EPW. Well, let’s just go ahead and spoil it for you Erik Holland, you’re never going to be the face of EPW as long as Stevie Satisfaction is alive and kicking. Now maybe you were a little confused there because Stevie took a quick nap and I guess that short absence made it seem that the position of face of this company was hiring. Nope, there’s only one man who will ever be qualified enough to be the truly satisfactory face of this company… and that’s me. You Erik? You might bring to the table an interesting and compelling resume along with you, but the position here in EPW is already square on my shoulders. Besides, you’re way too spread out to be the face of any one company. How many are you in there, seventy-what?
I thought Lisa Sparxxx taking nine hundred and twelve dicks was impressive, but you? Holy shit. You’ve been around the block so much already that everyone’s had their turn on you twice, if you were to somehow become the face of this company? Damn, we would all have to go out and get tested. Shit, remind me to make an appointment when all of this is said and done, I don’t need my garbage falling off before Endgame because of whatever Erik Holland gave to me during this match.
Wait, I was already in a match with Holland. Am I looking spotty or anything, Curt?”
Turns his head from side to side, as the camera moves in a little closer as Stevie even coughs a couple of times for good measure. Cameraman Curt gives Stevie another thumbs up and backs off with the camera.
“Good, good. It would be an absolute shame to have caught something deadly and I’ve only been out of the grave for like three hours. Other than you running from fed to fed like Lindsay Lohan on coke fueled bender, there’s the fact that you’re just too damn new around here to ever be considered the face of EPW. You’ve had one match so far in EPW, one match! Now, I will admit that you were screwed over our only match, so that was a good orientation of what to expect around here. But, you’ve only had one match here. I ended the last PPV with everyone chanting my name because of the work I’ve put into this place. These fans don’t love you, Erik like they love me. You’re just some Johnny come lately and that might work in all the other places you roam, around here nobody leaves them satisfied like I leave them satisfied.
And what a chance do we have to satisfy these fans in Memphis… thirty minute iron man match. Now, I’m going to go ahead and brag a bit here by saying that thirty minutes is going to absolutely push the boundaries of how much satisfaction a crowd can actually handle. I’m going to push the limits folks, better bring your Gatorade and your special socks Wednesday for Danger.
Now comes the other question, what do I think Erik Holland is going to bring to this match against the only face of EPW? Is he going to try and rough me up some? Yeah, I’m sure. Hell, I’m sure we’ll see him try to get all deathmatch-y with me at some point to try and show me who’s the boss in that ring.”
Stevie makes a slow jerk motion. You know, the real slow jerk motion. But remember, you never make eye contact and you never finish… nope, Stevie’s going to break both of those rules and he makes heavy eye contact throughout the whole process as you watch until the happy ending.
“Yeah, that hardcore stuff was impressive when I was fifteen and trying to break into the wrestling business, but we all learn soon enough that the deathmatch style doesn’t get you too far in the world of wrestling. I mean it’ll get you far enough that you can drip blood from your poorly stitched forehead into your Waffle House order on a crappy winter night, but that’s only going to be fun for so long. I’m not fifteen anymore, Eirk. I’m here to win matches, get another EPW World Heavyweight title shot, and get paid in the process. You’re only going to be my stepping stone towards all of those goals. Let’s bottom line all of this for everyone. I’m going to wrestle circles around the lumbering Erik Holland, as I am sure the miles that he’s put on that body of his doing the hardcore stuff are going to feel like an albatross around his neck as he tries to keep up with me.
Look, this match might be scheduled for thirty minutes, but in reality I’m only going to need about ten minutes to build a big enough lead that’ll allow me to let Bronny James come off of the bench to finish the rest for me.”
Stevie lines up the shot and drains that invisible ball from the three point line for everyone to just imagine. You know it’s going in too, nothing but net from the man who is nothing but action. Stevie then grabs the camera bringing it up to his face.
“While it might not mean a lot to you Erik because you bleed everywhere, I’ve bled for these EPW fans… let me restate that, I’ve only ever bled for these EPW fans. Every single match that I have put on for these fans I poured my heart, and soul into and I never hold back. I damn near passed out from the pain in my side, but I kept on fighting because I am the true face of this company. Do you even know what company this is, Erik? Do you even understand that this is an island for the misfit toys of professional wrestling? I do, I most certainly do. Those other companies out there, the ones you work for, they didn’t even return my phone calls… they never even watched my tapes or gave me the time of day! Here in EPW? That is my ring, that is my pride and I will do whatever it takes to defend my pride.
You want to bring the weapons? Fine, hit me with whatever you think it will that’ll keep me down. No matter what you think, I’m going to get right back up and spit in your face. But, I kind of get the feeling you might enjoy that a little too much. See? No matter what I do, I always seem to leave the people satisfied.”
Stevie pushes the camera away and we fade to black.
A few moments later, however, the camera begins to run in a guerilla style manner. Stevie is just sitting there having a cup of coffee as even Cameraman Curt walks on by the camera a couple of times. It is at that moment that Stevie’s phone begins to ring, not buzz, ring. His ring tone is his entrance music of Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody Does it Better’, Stevie pauses as he looks at the screen or maybe he really just likes the song. Either way he finally does answer it in speaker mode.
STEVIE: Jonsey, such a shame you couldn’t win that International bukkake rumble whatever title match. I mean, I don’t know if it would have counted as a world title as far as our bet goes or anything, but keep on trying there…
JONES: Do you even have a world title match anytime soon, Stevie? Look, I just called because I was just in the ring with your opponent Erik Holland and wanted to give you a little heads up.
There’s a pause on the other end of the phone.
STEVIE: Oh, he’s there too? No shit.
JONES: Yeah, and I just want to give you a warning that the dude’s a beast. He’s legit six foot six, not like the fake six foot six that you always hear about but when you get up close it’s more like six two and thick shoes. I know you’re moving slower these days, bro, but figure out a way to move and protect your ribs.
STEVIE: Come on, it’s me. You know that I am already prepared for just about anything and besides my ribs are feeling so much better these days.
There’s another pause on the other end of the phone.
JONES: Who are you trying to fool, me? I’ve known you since six years old, you can’t bullshit me man. Just watch your ribs, brother. Watch them. I’ve gotta run here, me and Ramsey have got to get out of Japan ASAP… there’s a story there, I totally whiffed on a field goal for money, totally reminiscent of when Crazy Larry did that. I’ll hit you up when I get back to the states! Peace out loser.
And with that the phone hangs up. The guerrilla style camera goes to static as Cameraman Curt walks by and notices the red light is on.